Very British Problems…
Being astonished at how many people add milk during the wrong stage of the tea making process.
Making eye contact with the noisy train passenger and quickly pretending to look at every single other thing in the carriage.
Being unable to say “well this is fun” without sounding like you’re having the worst time of your life.
Saying “we timed that well” at least twelve times after just beating a queue.
“You should pop round sometime” – Meaning: If you knock on my door unannounced I will stay very still until I hear you leave.
Never being more intensely focused than when at the front of the queue for the self-service checkout.
Feeling obliged to say “oh he’s alright” while your friend’s dog chews through your arm.
Stepping on a slightly loose paving slab and unleashing the North Sea.
It’s been cold, dark and wet for about a thousand years.
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it.
Feeling ridiculously self-conscious when walking back to your seat after taking your turn at ten-pin bowling.
Sitting on half the aisle seat on the bus, as if touching another passenger’s leg will cause you both to dissolve.
‘I don’t mind’. Meaning 1: I don’t mind. Meaning 2: I mind more than anything I’ve ever minded about ever..
Knowing one person who only seems capable of making half-full cups of tea.
Looking cross after sneezing more than once, so everyone knows you’re just as annoyed with the situation as they are.
Finally resolving an “after you I insist” door standoff, only to be immediately faced with another door.
Having spare change at the ready in case your £3 meal deal scans as £3.71. Again..
Calculating which combination of organs to sell to pay for your winter gas bill.
Running (at a pace no faster than walking) for the bus, missing it and carrying on the run for a short while.
Deciding to risk sounding sarcastic rather than use an emoticon.
Strictly not drinking in January. Except for Fridays and Saturdays. And sometimes Sundays..
Being repeatedly told to “listen to that wind”.
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman “I think this guy was next” and you’re not thanked. ====== (gets right on Maths tits).
Being required by law to say the word “lovely” immediately after taking the first sip of a new tea.
Apologising profusely to the chap who has decided to spill his drink all over your shoulder.
Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly bizarre combination of fillings to occur.
Apologising to your doctor for your injury’s lack of severity.
Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon.
The overwhelming regret that you didn’t buy bacon yesterday when you had the chance.
Missing today’s three seconds of daylight when you nipped to the loo.
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again.
Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful.
Launching a full inquiry into who put the butter knife in the marmalade.