The Bro Code
The Bro Code is a living document which such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy.
Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.
Never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s OK
If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. Was an ex-girlfriend
B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her
C. Is your buddy’s sister (However, if it’s your buddy’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in his face for years to come)
Never diss a guy whose team just lost a crushing game. Just leave it alone, it’s kinder to pick on them for a dead relative
You must never own a cat
If you get 2 tickets to the big game/gig/event, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
1. Your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them)
2. Your acquaintances
3. Your co-workers
4. The mailman
5. The UPS guy
7. John Kerry
1,485,726. Your girlfriend
You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late
Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. Beer always makes a great gift
If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once
There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, Hoops, Street Hockey, Bare-fisted boxing, etc.
If you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately
Standard shotgun rules are as follows:
A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car
B. Shotgun must be called outside
C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes
D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride
NO PDA (Public Displays of Affection), even if John Legend says they just don’t care. I mean, congratulations, another girl can stand the sight of you. You don’t need to wear her like a fucking trophy
It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games”
Don’t tell other guys elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares
Never openly question another guy’s sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team.
When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick
Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches
Never share a bed with a guy, unless there’s no way around it
Bros before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable dicks since they’ve gone out with someone
Bros will not be assumed to be exclusive unless each has explicitly granted the other exclusive Bro rights. If a Bro is not exclusive then a Bro may have more than one Bro. However, upon becoming exclusive, said Bro must break any Bro ties with all other Bros.
A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight
If a Bro catches another Bro in plagiarism – albeit awesome plagiarism – a Bro shall be required to ask the Bro to cite his source.
Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Threeway (2 dudes)
If one Bro calls another Bro a douche then said naming must be confirmed by another Bro even if the third Bro is a chick. This naming only requires a “second” by any Bro and does not require a majority vote by all Bros involved.
Love thy neigh-bro
The bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. If the other bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lended yet in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.
A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection
A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it’s cool.
A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro / chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows
One Bro makes a solo chick attack
A second Bro provides a crutch
A third Bro rounds out the pack
But a fourth Bro is one too much
Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother.
A Bro shall honor his father and mother.
In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo shall determine the outcome.
In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
A Bro much provide his bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.
If a Bro suffers pain from a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool
If a Bro is on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possibly to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporarily immigrating to a foreign country.
A Bro never cries
When in a slap bet thy bro must always obey the rules of the slap bet. If caught cheating in a slap bet the selected slap bet coordinator must rule the consequences of how many more slaps must be given to thy cheater
A Bro shall at all times say ‘Yes’
When one bro engages a fellow bro in a political debate, said debate shall remain civil and in good spirits. Should said debate become an argument, the bro who initiated the “argument” shall slap himself and then down two Miller Chills. This bro will then, in the proceeding Gubernatorial, Congressional, or Presidential election, vote for the candidate of his fellow Bro’s choosing
A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro. Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro’s mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro’s adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.