Some of the Best Quotes Ever Concieved

“It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.”
Jack Handey

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Phyllis Diller

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.”
Fats Domino

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”
Winston Churchill

“The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!”
Jack Handey

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
Edgar Bergen

“Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.”
Truman Capote

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones
that need the advice.”
Bill Cosby

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Groucho Marx

“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”
Carol Burnett

“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”
Nancy Mitford

“Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”
Red Buttons

“Youth is wasted on the young.”
George Bernard Shaw

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.”
Fran Lebowitz

“Never have children, only grandchildren.”
Gore Vidal

“My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.”
Groucho Marx

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
Phyllis Diller

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”
Robert Orben

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”
Helen Giangregorio

“Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
Bill Vaughan

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
Yogi Berra

“Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.”
Wil Shriner

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen

“How could they tell? ” (upon hearing that President Coolidge had died)
Dorothy Parker

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Woody Allen

“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
Johnny Carson

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick — not wounded — dead.”
Woody Allen

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
Dave Barry

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
Woody Allen

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”
Woody Allen

“I am at two with nature.”
Woody Allen

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
Woody Allen

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
Woody Allen

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
Woody Allen

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
Woody Allen

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Louise Bombeck