Security Threat Levels – By Nation
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to
“Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again
to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been
“A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a
“Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody
Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s
get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army
for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher
levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and
excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels
remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They
also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the
new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all
of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to
“BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being
a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the
navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand
only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope
Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No
worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels
remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has
ever warranted use of the final escalation level.