Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang.
“Hello,” the voice said. “This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!”
“Well Paddy,” replied Saddam, “how big is your army”
“Well lets see there’s me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team.”
“Ahh” said Saddam. “I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers.”
Paddy then hung up….The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, “The war is still on Mr. Hussein.” Paddy said. “We now have some infantry and equipment.” “What would that be” Saddam asked.
“Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor,” Paddy replied.
Saddam sighed “Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke.” “I’ll get back to ya,” Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, “Right Mr. Hussein, we’ve modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us.”
Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, “Paddy… I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday.”
“Oh” said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring ya back”
Paddy called again the next day and said “I’m sorry, but the wars been called off.” “I’m sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?” asked Saddam.
“Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there’s no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners”
Q How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A That light bulb’s never getting changed.
Q How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.
Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” yells the Congressman.
“It’s this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?” the aide asks.
“Just go ahead and pay it,” responds the Congressman.
Q What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A A tourist.
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. “You wanted to end America’s liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, “This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!” He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama’s knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, “This is not what I was promised!”
An angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”
Q What is the Cuban national anthem?
A ”Row Your Boat!”
Q Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?
A Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!
Saddam Hussein romantic tips
10. Splash on a little goat’s blood.
9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.
8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.
7. Don’t be a cheapskate at the movies — buy the large hummus!
6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed.
5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.
4. “Say it with toxic nerve agents”
3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.
2. Name a camel after her.
1. Ask if she wants to “inspect your biological weapon.”
The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
Terrorists hijack a plane full of lawyers. They ask for a ransom 20 million dollars, and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for…
Q Why do homosexuals like Cheney And Dubya?
A Cause gay men like Dick and lesbians love Bush.