ok more to the book

i changed some stuff

It was a normal day has usual tom was walking on his way to his college. He was a tall person about 6 feet tall he was not fat nor skinny. he had black hair and for some reason black eyes. he walked outside and smelled the fresh cut grass. he was looking around saw the same people his friends Bob, Ryan , and Sake. Bob was a weird guy he loved to see explosion ,but really who wouldn't. Tom has known him sense first grade. Ryan was someone who didn't talk much because he couldn‘t speak English very well but can speak Spanish Tom just met him this year . Sake was someone who like to beat the s*ht out of stuff one time he lost it and him and bob destroyed his parents car. When he got to class late as always with his bitchy teacher Mr. hippy has tom like to call him.
“late again tom has always.” said Mr. hippy
“seems like it.” tom said has giving him the middle finger
he sat down next to Ryan and started to talk about girls how most guys at his age would.
Translated into English “ dude. What’s wrong with you Christina is like the hottest girl here.” tom announced knowing that Christina right in front of him didn’t know Spanish.
“ yes she is hot but Karle is hotter.” Ryan replayed
“what’s wron…” has tom was cut off by Mr. hippy
“tom is there anything you would like to share with us?”
“No Sir.” again flicking him off
“because you know I can speak Spanish fluently.” Mr. hippy said with a huge grin.
Tom getting worried now picked up his stuff and ran for the door knowing what was going to happen Ryan cracking up has Tom fell. Ryan was sitting there while Mr. hippy said what Tom said he turned and looked at Ryan. Ryan stopped laughing and started to running for the door witch Mr. hippy blocked like the asshole he is.
Ryan met Tom outside with Bob and Sake all red from embarrassment. Bob and Sake were laughing their asses off
Sake “how did you not know he spoke Spanish.”
Bob can’t stop laughing to even put in a word. Tom punched him in the stomach Bob laughing to hard to notice.
“lets go to the gun shop.” demanded Ryan Sense none of them actually cared about school they went to the gun club. When they got there they said hi to Larry the manger.
“so what we going to shoot today moving, human shaped ,or human shaped and moving?” loading his custom magnum
“the moving human ones” they all said at the same time.
Tom’s magnum could hold 20 50cal. Bullets. Sake had a shotgun and was saving up to buy a semi auto shotgun. Ryan has a ak-74 also saving up for a better gun. Bob had a rifle that had a 5 inch bowie knife on it, and can shoot 50cal. bullets or exploding.
Tom’s gun was about $2000, Sake’s $378, Ryan’s was $599,and Bob’s was $2749.

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  • 2

    I was gonna correct this but I decided not to.
    Basically u should work on capitalization & try not to make it such a dull read.
    work on expanding ur vocabulary too.

    how do i not make a dull read?
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 7:21 pm
    lol, be more enthusiastic don't just list a bunch of details on a character, it just seems boring if u list a bunch of characteristics work with the plot & fill in ur characters bio as u go along...
    - thekitkatkid October 23, 2010, 8:01 pm
    i'm putting in some of the plot but not much it's going to grow has the chapter ends now
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 8:51 pm
    - thekitkatkid October 23, 2010, 8:53 pm
    oh well i say it has has and the spell check dosen't count it wrong
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 9:05 pm
    oh wait i see what you mean sry
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 9:06 pm
    lol i just relized you would be lost if you live were i live. because we say has and i remember this from the post the hacker deletedthat you said a hug would clear stuff up... well i can hug a girl and kiss her on the check and it not mean anything
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 11:01 pm
    lol u still remember that
    - thekitkatkid October 23, 2010, 11:10 pm
    yes some how
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 11:24 pm
  • 2

    Yes: Has = As Sense = Since; They are the major spelling mistakes but capital letters such as Mr.Hippy should be corrected.
    A couple of times I didn't know who was speaking such as in the first speech where someone says 'original'.
    The plot is developing nicely but I think you should take more time describing what is happening, like explaining what Mr.Hippy's classroom looks like (colour, light effects, positioning of furniture)
    Grammar is still a problem especially with commas. And paragraphs should be included, for example, where the story goes from the school to the gun shop.
    Keep at it and you'll get there soon! :P

    there is one thing is that sharenator wont let you intent on my own writing it is there just to let you know and thanks for the help
    - castlewarsisawsome October 23, 2010, 11:14 pm
  • 2

    Castlewarsisawesome... are you secretly Stephanie Meyers?

    Also the protagonists sound like future serial killers.

    <.<...>.> *runs off*
    - castlewarsisawsome January 8, 2011, 12:56 pm
    You can't get away Meyers!
    - ember January 8, 2011, 1:07 pm
    *pulls out chain gun* DIE! *click* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
    - castlewarsisawsome January 8, 2011, 1:14 pm
  • 1

    also ther is no "h" in "as"

  • 1

    lol i tryed to paste this on a word document and it fucked up

  • 1

    I should post what i wrote a while ago up... if i can find my drive that had it on it... it was a decent start

    i hope you find it
    - castlewarsisawsome March 23, 2011, 1:20 pm
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