Murphys Military Laws
Murphy’s war law
* Friendly fire – isn’t.
* Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
* Suppressive fires – won’t.
* You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
* A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
* If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
* Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
* If at first you don’t succeed, call in an air strike.
* If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
* Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
* The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they’re ready.
when you’re not.
* No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
* There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
* Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol’ Ranger’s addendum:
Or else they’re trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
* The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
* Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
* Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
* If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
* When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
* No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
* If the enemy is within range, so are you.
* The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
* Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
* Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
* Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
* Tracers work both ways.
* If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
* When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
* Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
* Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
* Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
* Weather ain’t neutral.
* If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
* Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
* ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
* The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
* Napalm is an area support weapon.
* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
* B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
* Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
* Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The one item you need is always in short supply.
* Interchangeable parts aren’t.
* It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
* When in doubt, empty your magazine.
* The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
* Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
* If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
* The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
* Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
* A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
* The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
* Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
* If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
* Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
* When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
* Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
* The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
* To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
* The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
* The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
* When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
* The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
* A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Murphy was a grunt.
* Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
* Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
* The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
* All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
* The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
* The crucial round is a dud.
* Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
* There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
* Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
* If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
* If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
* If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
* Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
* Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.
* The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
* The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
* The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
* Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
* As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
* Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
* The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
* Walking point = sniper bait.
* Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
* If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
* The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
* The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
* The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
* If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
* The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
* If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
* The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
* There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
* Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
* If see you, so can the enemy.
* All or any of the above combined.
* Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
* Never screw over a buddy; you’ll never know when he could save your life.
* Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won’t be short is the ration ofshit.
* Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
* A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
* When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn.
* It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.