Sex with neighbour joke
A couple are preparing a dinner party. At the last minute, the wife realises that she hasn’t got any snails for the starter, so she asks her husband to run down to the garden to get some. He grabs the bucket and sets off. Over the fence he sees his beautiful neighbour, who says to him, “I’ve been watching you for weeks and I have to have you. Come into my house.” The man obliges, but after the deed is done, falls asleep. At 7am the next morning he wakes up and realises he’s missed the party. He rushes downstairs, grabs the bucket of snails and races home. As he’s running up his front step, he drops the bucket, scattering snails everywhere. The door opens, and standing in the door way is his furious wife, wondering where he’s been all this time. He looks at the snails on the floor and says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called, “Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking.” Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
Christmas party joke
Dave wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a harrowing trip to the toilet, he makes his way downstairs to his wife. “Debbie,” he moans, “Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she replies, “You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.” “He’s an idiot,” John says. “I’d wee on him.” “You did,” replies Debbie, “And he fired you.” “Screw him!” says John in disgust “I did. You’re back at work on Monday,” replies his wife.