Monster Raving Loony Party Manifesto
1.Cool on the outside:
To combat global warming and climate change all buildings should be fitted with air conditioning units on the outside.
The idea of weight monitoring chips in wheelie bins should be scrapped, instead the wheels should be removed, this would mean that if people generated too much waist they could not put their non-wheelie bin out for collection. It would also help prevent them being chucked into canals.
Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses
It is proposed that all politicians be made to swear a “hippocratic oath”, preventing them by law from being Hypocrites. All politicians should be made to stand by their policies, or or at least admit that they were wrong.
It is proposed that, before the beginning of exams, the exam board will select a certain obscure phrase which will be kept secret. If any pupil inadvertently writes this phrase in any exam,he/she will automaticaly receive straight A* grades, and a free teddy.
6.One Sided Policy
It is proposed that The European Union end its discrimination by creating a “Court of Human Lefts” because their present policy is one_sided.
The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonalds to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures.
All politicians should paint them self’s permantly head to toe in the colour of the party they represent – e.g. all Labour candidates in Red , all Conservatives in Blue ,etc,etc
9.One hours silence.
At 12 0′ clock pm every day we will have a one hour silence dedicated to our time that has been lost due to work, home and labour
Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil.
Ban tractors from driving on roads, they can drive across their fields.
Ban all terrorists from having beards as they look scary.
Anyone allowing their Hyena to poop on the pavement should shovel it away immediately, As this is no laughing matter
16.Put a Sock in it
All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.
(checkout this website to find the inventor of this product www.THROX.com … )
17.A Hanging Offence
It is proposed to systematicly destroy all wire coat hangers.
Shirts slip off them. People hang them on doorhandles. They bend when you hang jeans on them. The flick off rails. They join together in pairs. The gaggle in dodgy, tinny, wiry orgies, tingling nastily. They have a static sneer. Have you ever actually seen anybody buy them? Who even sells them? Do they just appear in your wardrobes? They seem to have a near endless domestic omnipresence.
Not only a waste of wire, but a waste of time. How often have you had to rehang things on them? Or perhaps Reiron shirts after being bent ruthlessly shapelss thereon? Then they spin of the rail and onto the floor. You kick them and then get wrapped around your foot, or sibling. And then if you can find a bin that will fit such a stupidly angular object, the sadistic little sharp corner on the hook rips the bag and there it is again, escaped. What a malicious little sod.
Let’s face it; The only use for metal coat hangers is to unravel them and make them into something else.
Therefore, it is proposed that all wire coathangers should be systematically hung, drawn and unravelled, under the 1936 Public Order Act.
The European Constitution which will be sorted out by going for a long Walk. “As everyone knows that walking is good for the constitution”
Sell shares in Northen rock, buy shares in Blackpool rock!
Separate Passports for Terrorists: Terrorists should be required (by virtue of law) to apply for separate passports in which they give there full contact details, number of explosives, and time (as well as location) of any plot. This would save time and money in gathering intelligence, and could also help identify the intended ambition(s) behind any atrocity(s).
21.Obeescity in Kids
If you want your kids to be less fat…feed em less (do we need to make a policy of this?….its common sense)
22.Making Taxes Irrelevant
Abolishing the ‘inheritance tax’ is all well and good, but what will the funds be replaced with?
It is proposed to create an ‘irrelevance tax’, where people of limited seriousness make up the tax shortfall.
What better way to obtain public support than to abolish inheritance tax AND pay the public’s taxation at the same time!
A proposal by DBopenlock. Make Weeding an olympic sport in order to save the 100 year old Manor Garden Allotments from being demolished for the 2012 games.
It is proposed that the Isle of Man be renamed to “The Isle of Men, Women, Children and some Animals” as not just men live there
All newly trained Dentists will be require to have three teeth removed, 2 fillings and root canal work done without anesthetic. Then they will know the agony they inflict on the rest of us.
Every day the news should tell people an interesting fact in a hope to increase people’s knowledge.
27.A Warm solution:
It is proposed that all pavements are heated so it is possible to walk bare foot in the winter, this would also serve another purpose by making the pavements warm no ice would form on them thereby reducing the risk of injury for everyone.
28.A Lions share:
It is proposed that we change the English symbol of three lions to 3 badgers. How often do you see lions running round the countryside, we should be proud of the lack of wild and interesting species on our fair isle.
‘Following the Leader’ is a pastime that has been cast aside by society today and we think it should become an extreme event in the Olimpicks. (We are keeping this one hidden from Tony Blair as he may make it law)
The Isle of Wight should be changed to: “The Isle of Mixed Races, and Cultures Located off the Coast of Britain.”
It is proposed that :Pets, especially cats and dogs, may not be dressed in miniature human clothing for the purpose of human amusement, unless the animal in question can equip the clothing himself/herself. Punishable by dressing the owner of the animal in miniature human clothing.
GCSE English exams be given a more straight-forward layout, with lots of
short questions like the Maths papers have.
33.Education (Skool acktiviteas)
Homework should be banned as it is bad enough for kids having to go to school let
alone bring it home with them
Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the rest of the class.
35.Skool Dinners r hot?
School dinners must be regularly checked for radioactivity.
We should teach proper sports in P.E. e.g. Fishing, Fencing,
and how to let the head teacher’s car tyres down without getting caught.
As well as using computers in schools, children should be taught to reed, rite, and appreciate rock.
38.Keep Edukayshun Fit
In order to keep our teachers fit, 3 periods a week of PE will be allocated for teachers/headmasters and any ancillary staff who happen to be in the area (i.e dinner ladies etc,) (and pupils get to watch. Skipping for men and football for ladies)
39.Bench mark for schools
To combat discomfort and possible medical litigation, Cushions will be provided for all school chairs.
School will be dismissed if three or more pigeons make it into the central corridor.
Pizza Hut and KFC to provide school meals.
42.Teaching Skool Dress Code
All teachers should come to school dressed as pink teddy bears then they will
not be so intimidating.
43.Too much Talking
Languages should be banned in schools as most kids (and adults) have trouble with English.
44.No fly Zone
It is proposed to declare the Channel Tunnel a No Fly Zone.
It is proposed that Political leaders are banned if they avoid a straight answer “Yes” or “No”. As they may still be telling fibbs, any such person found to string out an answer longer than2.8 seconds should be forced to undertake a lie detector test.
It is proposed that people should have a free go on the national lottery when they go and vote.
All singers who’s names sound like infectious diseases( i.e: Chriestina Aguilera, Natalie Imbruglia) will be provided with free antibiotics courtesy of the NHS, just in case it spreads. You can never be safe enough!
48.Paper (Health & Safety)
Paper cuts (being extremely painful) should be banned. Paper manufacturers will be required to surround all paper with a foam frame. This will ensure that it will not be harmful to children under the age of 80.
49.Say “No” to Cruelty
It is proposed to abolish all kinds of animal cruely including flie swatters, hunting, chasing kangaroos off cliffs etc, also eating of plants as it causes undue stress to the plant and all weed killers shold be considered as a weapon of mass destruction, pain should also be made illegal.
Poets will have to sign up for a ‘poetic license’ this way shoddy poetry will be eliminated. Also in the test for the license wannabe poets will need to write funny limericks. They will be asked to produce at least one a week, or they are stripped of their license.
To boost the country’s economy – it is proposed that British citizens visit shopping centres wearing a squeeky red clown nose and green wig. This would make shopping mush more fun.
52.Stop Me and Fry One
Combine the love of Fishing with the great british love of queuing by putting bus stops near canals and lakes. This will also provide convenient homeward transport for britain’s proud anglers and will save space.
A government agency will be set up to paint contour lines on to hills and colour roads the same as on maps. This will help people know where they are.
54.Elections Make You Cross.
Why do we put a “cross” on the ballot paper.
A cross normally means “thats wrong”.
We propose that a “tick” would be more suitable.
Putting across next to someones name on the ballot paper is as good as writing
“monumental cock up” next to their name.
Polcy on Iraq: Since Iraq needs to have a proper infrastructure before they can run their own country, I propose we send our traffic wardens out to Iraq to give tickets to American Jeeps and Tanks illegally parked thereby raising much needed revenue for the Iraq government (and giving us a much needed break!)
Since we have Guy Fawkes day because Fawkes ATTEMPTED to destroy Parliament (Penny for the Guy, mate!) and we burn effigies of Fawkes, should we not have a John Prescott day for SUCCEEDING in destroying Parliament, well credibility at least (Penny for the John, mate!) and we could throw John on the bonfire.
To keep our nation on it’s toes, we should have a minimum of 2 nuclear war drills a day.
58.Jumping the Que
We propose dedicated pogo stick lanes on routes to centres of work.
59.Parking Wardens Sarcasm.
All traffic wardens should be banned from using the phrase “Hello wing
commander having trouble taking off”
We propose to create 13th month, to get all those little things out of the way. The things you just never had time to do… like take out the trash, vote in a general election, learn Latin…
Another benefit would be that all monthly paid earners would receive an extra months pay.
The Loch Ness Monster should be added to the endangered species list.
Ozzy Osborne must receive a knighthood.
63.Home of your Own
All new homes should be built with a swimming pool and bouncy castle as standard.
To lower the house prices and help young people I propose we erase the last ‘0’ from the price.
All armchairs and sofas should be redesigned so as not to include a gap where small articles (such as loose change, keys, remote controls and kitchen sinks) can fall down.
65.Disipline in Parliament
Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper.
Asterisks will be banned*
67.Asylum’s a Joke
All asylum seekers would be allowed to stay as long as they can tell a
All soldiers serving abroad would be issued with a long ranged laser guided water pistols
To tackle the growing problem of obesity in children, It is proposed that all stair lifts in old folks homes be removed and replaced with hand operated pulley systems. These pulley systems will be operated by the obese children on a rotational period so as not to cut into their schooling. The effort required to lift these OAP’s will be adequate exercise for our plump offspring.
Whenever Great Britain is to play host to a foreign nation in an international sporting event, the British teams should ensure that the visiting team wins. This is correct and proper – it is only polite to allow our guest to win a few games. The beneficial effects of such a policy should not be underestimated, indeed the recent war in Iraq could well have been averted if the forces of Saddam Hussein had been allowed to win a one day international cricket match or a nice game of rugger.
The creation of a “State-Saint-System” where-by people can vote for ANYONE who they wish to be blessed in as a saint – EXAMPLE. St Dodd of Tickle-stick, St Roy of the Rovers.
Chocolate be available as a prescription drug
73.Pay for Free CD’s
Free CDs with magazines and newspapers be made genuinely free, and available to take away from shops, supermarkets and filling stations etc, and the purchase of the related newspaper and magazine selling the free CD, along with the CD itself be made an optional extra?
Those that choose not to buy the newspaper can then nominate a fish and chip shop to send the newspaper to, thereby supporting the environmentally friendly practice of paper recycling?
CDs aren’t really free if you have to pay to get them!
Weekend newspapers. They’re rather heavy aren’t they, especially broadsheets? A lot of supplements you’ll never bother to read. A waste isn’t it?
How about paying a price for the ‘Basic Broadsheet Package’, that of the main newspaper on its own, and then a small top-up charge for those newspaper supplements that you will actually read, and leave the other supplements on the shelf to remain available to those interested in them?
Maltesers should be on prescription.
As you may be aware, there have been recent measures to reduce congestion in London with proposals for other major cities to follow suit. It is proposed that all car owners in the affected areas (London and soon Birmingham, Manchester, etc,) be forced to replace their cars with hovercrafts for the following reasons:
1. Hovercrafts can go on all terrain, meaning they can spread out, take short cuts and go on water etc.
2. As they are inflatable, being hit by one will be less painful.
3. They could use the canal system, thus creating extra jobs and revitalizing a sadly neglected part of our Heritage.
3. Electric eels like hovercrafts because of their association with the see, therefore, electric eels should be persuaded to jump start any hovercraft where the battery is dead.
77.Best meal of the Day
It is proposed that we should introduce Asparagus for breakfast.
78.Mind the manholes
In order to reduce polution all cars must have their engines removed, instead they should have holes in the bottom where people can put their feet and run along. This would be a little bit like the flintstones
To get more men to watch women’s football all players should have to swap shirts at the end of games (or better still, every time they kick the ball?)
It is proposed that we should get rid of three colour traffic lights, and replace it with a much larger spectrum.
It should be illegal to wake up prior to 9.00 A.M. Offenders will made to work on a treadmill for 25 hours, and then woken up after 30 mins heavy sleep with a large alarm clock. Thrown at them.
The exception to this rule will be Doctors who, will have to work longer hours due to the extra number of reported head injuries
82.An Englishman’s home is his Chateaux
It is proposed that everyone in England should buy one hundred square meters (or be subsidized to do so) of France.
The English would then own France, saving a lot of arguments, and winning us another UN veto…
After owning France, It is proposed that we should rent it back to the French
Then we should start on Germany.
83.Fellowship of the OMRLP
It is proposed that being the Lord of the Ring should be illegal. Anyone who owns the Ring should hand it into the capable hands of the OMRLP. From now on, when ever someone disappears, they should be called “Smeagol” or “Gollum” instead of John or Jane Doe.
As punishment, for their crimes against fiction, Daniel Radcliff, Emma Watson and Christopher Columbus (Harry Potter, Hermionie and the director of Harry Potter, respectively) should be made to stand in front of the ridiculous sign in Kings Cross. Platform 3 and 3/4s,
85.Logical New Industries
The energizer should be invented. As should the Enterprise. As should the Vulcan.
Don’t understand why? Well it is highly illogical…
86.Working Time Regulations
Dr. Who shall be made to work doctors hours, we shall not be biased towards Time Lords.
Canon should be shot. Dell shall be pelted with dill. There should be 5 Pentiums. Why arn’t Windows crystal clear?
88.A Place in History
History should be renamed Geography. As in “Right that’s it. You’re geography!”
Madame Tussaud’s should be renamed Ms Tussaud’s.
Jedi should be recognised as a Religion. Did you know that there are more Jedi’s in England than Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs, or anything that isn’t Hindu, Christian or Muslim.
It is suggested that we should be xenophobic. But, being English, it isn’t practical.
Guard Dogs shall no longer be permitted.(they’re so vicious)
It is proposed that they will be replaced with Guard Tortoises,
Supermarket Trolley Formation Dancing to be made an Olimpick event.
94.Health & Wealth
All persons born with “a silver spoon in their mouth” will have it surgically removed at birth on the N.H.S
This will help to prevent mental illness in later years. i.e. Delusions of Self Importance.
95.Things going Bad
We will set up an inquiry to find out if:
(a). Things are really that Bad and
(b). They are out to get you
We will pass a law ordering British Airways flight attendants to CHEER UP!
P.E should be an optional school subject and not permited during winter. (Unless you permit it)
Cricket will be made more interesting by elliminating the use of padding. (and possibly Cricket Bats)