Just a few quick jokes
Two doctors opened offices in a small town, and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The towns fathers were not too happy with that, so they changed it to “Hysterias & Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so they changed it to “Schizoids & Hemorrhoids.” No go, so they tried “Catatonics & High Colonics.” Thumbs down again, so they tried “Manic-depressives & Anal-retentives.” Still no good, so they tried “Minds & Behinds.” Unacceptable again, they tried “Lost Souls & Assholes.” Still no go, nor did “Analysis & Anal Cysts, Queers & Rears, Nuts & Butts, Freak & Cheeks, or Loons & Moons. After much deliberation, they settled on one everybody liked….”Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends
A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable: you could get anything and everything there. During the interview, the boss asked him Have you ever been a salesman before? Yes. I was a salesman in the country, the lad said. The boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and Ill come and see you when we close up. The boss went to find the young man the next day at closing time and seen him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, Well that looked good! How many sales did you make today? That was the only one, the lad said. ONLY ONE! blurted the boss. Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You’ll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth? $227,334 and some change, said the young man. The boss froze for a moment, blinking a few times. H…H…How did you manage that?!? Well he came in this morning and i sold him a small fish hook, then a medium one, and then a large one. The a small fishing line, a medium one, then a large one. Then a spear gun, wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked where he was goin fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so i took him down to the boat department and sold him that 20 ft schooner with the twin engines. The he said his Volkswagon probably wouldnt be able to pull it, so i took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Crusier, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh and floor mats. The boss took a couple steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?! No, he answered, he came in to buy a blanket. A blanket? Yeah, and extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife, so i said to him, Well, your weekend’s ruined, so you may as well go fishing…..
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small trees. He then replies, “It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash i ever put my pecker in!”
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tell the guy to take a breathalyzer, to which the guy replies, “I cant do that officer.” “Why not?” “Because Im an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” “Ok, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.” Cant do that either sir.” “And why’s that?” “Cause im diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if i pee in a cup.” “Ok….we’ll just do a blood sample then. “No go either. I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood i could die.” “Fine then. Just walk this white line for me.” “Cant do that either officer.” “Oh really? And just why not?” “Because im drunk.”