If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
God: An invisible friend for adults
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t
The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
He didn’t know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.
Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives
I cry during sex…. fucking Mace
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
Girls are like square numbers, if they’re under 13 just do them in your head.
Life is like an analogy.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.