If you’re still waiting for Civilization V to launch then you might be pondering which civ to play first time through. Maybe France? Right? What with their nice culture benefits, or perhaps America – with their staunch history of blah blah blah. Forget that shit. The only one you should pick is England. And here’s why.
(This is the flag of Britain.)
England has and will always be the most powerful civilization. There are several reasons for this but because you live in a former British colony you’re not smart enough to understand them. So let me break it down for you.
Look at this motherfucker. Look into his eyes. This guy right here is the Duke of Wellington. He will fuck you up. But only after taking afternoon tea in the company of fine ladies and the gentle, upper-class intelligentsia.
He was so good at military command that he had time to invent a new type of boot so that he wouldn’t sully himself in the mud of the battlefield. And look at his shirt. All red because fuck camouflage, England is so good at war we actually have to dress up in the most conspicuous clothing ever just to give our enemies a fighting chance.
See, that’s class.
Guerrilla tactics? Not in my army maggot. We don’t even go to war before agreeing honourable terms of engagement. Which include arrangements for your colonization because, haha, you don’t even have a fucking chance. Seriously, we’re going to win. Bend over and take it.
See that? That’s London like a million years ago. When you idiots were still crawling around in mud huts we had fucking skycrapers and steam engines. We are the enlightened ones. You know the Victorian era? That was named after an English king, fuckers. Everything you take for granted in your entire goddam life we invented. And if we didn’t invent it. We conquered the people who did.
We had computers in 1837, bitches. At that time America didn’t even have roads and people fought over such primitive things like cattle or religion. Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He’s on our money, we’re so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don’t have money.
When one hundred and fifty thousand Zulu warriors zerg rushed Rourke’s Drift, one hundred Englishmen massacred them so hard we basically won the continent in one battle. Because we had guns, and they didn’t. That’s technology. Seriously, we fucked them up so hard it would have made that evening’s newspaper, had we bothered to report it. We’re modest like that, see. Have I covered class yet?
Listen to this. Listen to this and be afraid. Because an Englishman composed this at the request of King Edward. Because our enemies weren’t terrified enough, and war was becoming too boring for us, what with our impeccable thirty for nought record.
If you think that choosing some generic war-mongering race in Civilization V like the Aztecs or the Greeks can even encapsulate one millionth of the fury that the English have unleashed upon this pitiful world than you are tragically mistaken. We made Alexander the Great look like Alexander the Mediocre.
What is English culture? English culture is your culture, because we own you. It is Shakespeare Milton and Keats. We’re not only trendsetters, but we invented the word trendsetters, as well as every other word in this entire fucking post. In Civilization V, the English will attain a cultural victory so easily that we don’t even need to rely upon golden ages or great people. Because we’re never not in a golden age and every Englishman is great.
Don’t you just hate those Nazis? Oh wait, that’s right. They’re all dead because of us. Yeah that’s right, I’m Godwinning all up in this bitch. Why? Because I’m English and am therefore objectively better than you. I can do whatever the hell I want. And do.
Everything that is English is simply the pinnacle of human achievement, and this is represented accurately in Civilization V. We’re all richer than you are. In better health. Our soldiers are better trained and when you fuck some war up you call us to sort out the mess. Because we have thousands of years of history of unfucking someone else’s mess. You don’t. Because you don’t even have a thousand years of history.
You’re envious of us. It’s ok. We understand. It’s perfectly normal. In the annals of human history we’re pretty much top. Sure, those Ottomans stirred some shit, and those Egyptians had some nice monuments. But the bottom line is that the annals of history are written in English, not Egyptian.
You fawn over your minuscule successes like a child pleased at not shitting the bed. Meanwhile over in old Blighty, our God-race of immaculate human beings are busy building the world’s first and only utopia. In England. Remember Henry, and William. Remember Elizabeth and the armada. Remember the thirteen colonies and the commonwealth. Remember the internet, and modern science. And industrialization. And the greatest poetry and sonnets, the best novels, the most beautiful art, the largest navies and most organized military. The most accomplished sportsmen, thinkers, philosophers, upper class geniuses that are simply better than you.
I know Civilization V is, to many extents, an abstraction of real life. But even if it contained one tenth fact then England will no doubt be so grotesquely overpowered that you gibbering morons will be screaming for a zero hour patch to remove the English from the game entirely. But that patch, sir. Oh that patch will never come. Sorry.
Now, anyone for tea?
GO Captain K.