Billy Mays facts
1. You know those guys who can sell ice to the Eskimos? Well Billy Mays sells ice to THOSE guys.
2. When Billy Mays asks a clerk to break a $20 bill, he gets two $50s back.
3. Billy Mays fired The Donald. In pre-production.
4. Billy Mays can make Simon Cowell cry tears of beauty.
5. Billy Mays interrupted Bill O’Reilly once, causing O’Reilly to profusely apologize for talking out of turn.
6. Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Billy Mays. Before his foot even left the ground, Chuck was already on his first of three easy payments of $29.95.
7. The GDP of Billy Mays is greater than the entire European Union. Before the recession.
8. In 2006, a man in Arkansas accidentally hit the bass boost button on his home theater remote during a Billy Mays infomercial. We only know this because last December, a team of forensic experts dressed in radiation-proof suits had finished their meticulous examination of the blast crater.
9. Narwhals wash their tusks with OxiClean.
10. Billy Mays attributes the power of his on-screen persona to an incident during his teenage years when he accidentally ingested a Caps Lock key from an IBM PS/2 keyboard.
11. Billy Mays talked Lindsay Lohan into playing for the other team.
12. A Nigerian scammer once emailed Billy Mays. He is now on his 400th package of Mighty Putty.
13. Chuck Norris and Billy Mays once had a beard-off. The winner was to get a bucket of OxiClean, and the loser’s penalty was to perform in an ultra-neocon radio show.
14. Vin Diesel waxes his head with Liquid Diamond.
15. Billy Mays sold a lifetime of pity and a warehouse full of fools to Mr. T.
16. Mr. T once tried to throw Billy Mays. Instead of grabbing Billy, however, Mr. T found only a bucket of OxiClean in his hands. He immediately sought atonement through cleaning his gold chains.
17. After hearing a Billy Mays infomercial, R. Lee Ermey reconsidered his own personal commitment to perpetually yelling.
18. Billy Mays was the chief component of President Obama’s 2009 stimulus package until the Republicans demanded he be replaced with tax cuts for the stinking rich. Billy made out just as well.
19. If you act now… hahaha, just kidding! Only Billy Mays has the power to compel you to act now.
20. Not only did Billy Mays sell ice to the Eskimos, he also sold them the extended warranty.
21. Billy Mays once sold pain to Chuck Norris.
22. Joe Piscopo tried to outsell Billy Mays once. ONCE.
23. Billy Mays could sell socialism to Republicans, which is why they killed him off.