An interdialogue: What I want?

At late hours, one begins to slip into a state of mind, one that questions what it does, why it does, and for what reason, or so it happened to me. I started writing and figured, why not share it? Below is a dialogue between me, myself, and I. For tl;dr there is a summary of sorts at the end.

What do I Want?

-Rather no debt.

-Am I happy?
-Am I sad?
-No, but happy?
-I don’t know, instinct says no, but I feel good.

-Friends, Yes I have, but that’s not what you mean.
-A girlfriend?
-Yes, but I am happy right now…?
-Yes, but do I want one?
-Yes, Need?
-Am I happy?
-No. I am satisfied.
-Am I?
-No, but I trust the Lord. If i obey he will bless me, but what blessings?
-Ones that are good for me, and that make me glad.

-How about yes or no?
-Now why?
-Because everything about her is amazing.
-What is?
-Her charm, her wit, her honesty, her attitude, her trust.
-Is anyone else like this?
-You’re sure?
-No ulterior motives? That phrase that sticks in your head, could that be why?
-I ask myself that question all the time.
-It isn’t irrelevant, yes. The Lord will never tempt me more than I can handle, and I trust the Lord.
-So you want her?
-Will you pursue?
-Because I am not selfish… or I think so anyways.
-Are you?
-I sacrifice a lot, because I’m a friend. I’ve only ever sacrificed so much for… 2 others.
-Betrayal, pain, anger, disgust.
-With yourself?
-When you give someone everything, you’d think they’d at least… give you a chance. Yes?
-Kindness, gratitude, decency?
-None is received.
-Do you expect similar results with her?
-I will never open my heart like before.
-Why? Her boyfriend?
-Yes. I respect her, I respect him.
-Are they good together?
-Maybe, it is not my place to interfere, but offer an ear.
-When asked, but none towards my gals.
-Because it’s selfish, it’s detestable, it is cruel to be the serpent, the venom, the slow driveling poison that tears people apart.
-You’re sure?
-Why pursue then?
-Only a friendship.
-But what abou…
-WHAT I WANT?! That matters not.
-But you can’t give all you are for someone who doesn’t want you.
-Yes I can.
-Why? Because that statement? That titillating, seductive sentence that caught you off guard?
-Yes. It is encouraging, even though not definitive.
-Why? Why pursue?
-Because Christ.
-Yes, I will follow His example.
-You’re sure?
-I hope, I pray, I wish.
-Is it hard?
-Of course, but she is worth it. You know that

The End

I wrote this because I cannot find my motivation. What drives me, what makes me do what I do. God is the main factor I had no doubts, but I wanted to know the other factors. So I made a list, and that list turned into a dialogue between myself. I spent most of my time thinking about Her, her of course the girl I fancy. It was hard to find my motivation, but I have it now. Thanks to a wonderful dialogue with myself.

I thought you folks would enjoy this, if not for a good read, then to laugh at my insanity. Good night.

That picture isn’t me.