Top Ten Worst Speeding Excuses

1. When the officer asks why you were going so fast, don’t reply: “Tim Hortons has half-price donuts down the road and I was clearing the way for you.”

2. “I told a State Trooper I was speeding because I had to use the bathroom. He told me where the closet restroom was located, followed me and wrote my ticket in the parking lot as I ran inside to use the bathroom.”

3. “I was passing a truck spitting up stones.” This excuse won’t work because the officer doesn’t care about paint chips while you’re hitting 4,000 rpm in third.

4. “I once had a woman call to ask if a solar eruption could affect radar guns. Her son had been pulled over for speeding and she was just sure it was a problem with the radar and not his driving! I had to gently let her down and tell her that no, solar storms don’t have any effect on traffic radar.”

5. “The cop was coming the opposite direction but turned his lights on. When I went to court for the ticket the judge asked why on earth I was driving 100 mph (160 km/h) on a county road. I quickly told him that I was late for a movie with a really cute girl. Then I got an earful for about 15 minutes about how young and dumb I was.”

6. “My car is a 2010 Corolla, and Toyota just released a recall for acceleration. It’s all over the news, and the officer still charged me!” Wonder if you can get speeding tickets recalled?

7. “I was low on gas so I wanted to make sure I had enough speed to coast home.” Obviously not a physics major then. The burn rate needed to get up to cruising speed would negate any freewheeling later. I can already picture judges shaking their heads in disbelief.

8. “I rapidly accelerated to 90 mph (145 km/h). Cop pulled me over. I said I was showing off how quick car was.” Unfortunately, performance testing on a highway is frowned upon by the local constabulary …

9. “I wasn’t speeding, I was only going 10 km over,” presumes that there’s the speed limit, and then there’s the nudge-nudge-wink-wink “speed limit.” So apparently there’s now speeding and speeding, like some secret society of Illuminati and Masons that allow some people to legally drive faster than others. Unfortunately, there’s only one kind of fine … the expensive kind.

10. Waite’s final excuse is a mind-bender: “I didn’t want to get caught driving unaccompanied with my beginner’s licence.” You certainly did a fine job of blending in then. With that sort of logic on tap, this bright mind will surely find a place in politics later in life.

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