The best of Mitch Hedberg – RIP

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

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I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out-of-order” sign. Just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said “F**k it. Cut ’em up! We can play tennis later.”

I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. ‘Cause I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there’s more to it than that. “You want some more home made sprite?” “Not until you figure out what the f**k else is in it!”

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana. I said “no” but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so, “yeah.”

This shirt is “dry clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy! Let’s get out of here!

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f**ks up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

I like waffles. Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. A waffle says to the syrup, “Hold on, now. You ain’t goin’ anywhere. Don’t even be tryin’ to creep down the side. Just rest in these squares. If one square is full, move on to the next one. When you hit the butter, split up.”

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Hey this joke’s on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can’t f**kin’ rob you of this one: I got a ant farm but them fellas didn’t grow s**t. I said “C’mon what about some celery? You f**kers don’t farm! Plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen.” That’s the new part.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it — build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way.”

Some people think I’m high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like,”Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

If I was a locksmith, I’d be f**kin’ pimping that s**t out.”Say, what’s goin’ on, man? Tell you what, I’ll trade you a free key duplication…” [laughs] That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ’cause there’s no ending.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, or green.” Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocating, then help ’em.

I love my FedEx guy ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, “where the f**k did you get that banana at?”

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough.”

I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

When Gatorade has a commercial, they always have like a guy playin’ sports. I don’t think ya have be like playing sports and sweating to enjoy a Gatorade. I just think you can be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. “I’m thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade, too? Or does that lightningbolt mean ‘No’?”

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