Some jokes I like

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution You don't want to try these techniques at home.

Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience.

I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, Table and Cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. Honey, I suggested, Why don't you try carrying several things at once?

The voice from the back asked, Did it save time?

The expert replied, Actually yes it used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now i do it in seven.

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around and nobody is there he hears the voice again I SAID DIG!
so he starts digging with his hands till he finds a small chest the deep voice says OPEN! He opens it to find it full of gold coins TO THE CASINO! he goes to the casino the deep voice screams ROULETTE! he walks over to the roulette table the deep voice says TWENTY-SEVEN!He takes his chips and places it all on twenty-seven everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball the ball stays at twenty-six the deep voice says SH*T

A mans lawyer calls him up one day and says Harold i have some terrible news and some REALLY awful news...Harold says just tell me what it is. The lawyer says the terrible news is that your wife found a picture that is going to be worth several hundred thousand dollars. Harold says If that's the terrible news I can hardly wait to hear the really awful news...the lawyer says its a picture of you and your receptionist

Shelia, asked Lucy What would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?
Sheila thought it over and responded Lets see: id break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.

A snake had the misfortune to be born blind and although he managed to forage successfully he was very lonely he mad the acquaintance of a little mole which was very nearly blind and they struck up a friendship.
One day the snake asked a question We have been friends and yet i have no idea what you look like would you mind if i could coil around you gently to get an image of what you look like Certainly said the mole who soon found himself buried in a mountain of snake
Why you are soft and furry, with a pointy little nose surrounded by bristly whiskers. Could it be that you are a mole? hissed the snake
I am indeed answered the mole. And're cold and slimy and are covered with scales and have no balls.
Ssssshit hissed the snake, I must be a lawyer.

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  • 2

    nicely done for the last one :)

    tho my friends a lawyer :)

  • 2

    +3 for the last one :)

  • 1

    Thanks everyone

  • 1


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