Jokes and funnies

I've just been given a six months suspension from football.

I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs. I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.

He was getting in to his car at the time.


If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.


Dying cats pink, what's next?

A Navy Seal?


I was on a first date with a girl I'd fancied for a while and the conversation turned to sex. She said, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a girl?"

I said, "To be honest, I've only ever had sex once, so nothing that weird."
She said, "Once! What was her name?"

I said, "Mary something. I couldn't make out her surname."
She said, "Did you meet her in a loud club."

I said, "No. There was a lot of moss on the headstone."


I found out yesterday that "Don't cry love, I'll make you another one", is not a very diplomatic way of consoling a mother after you've run her only child over.


I was having a wank to this program last night when my girlfriend walked in, I panicked and quickly changed the channel and a program about disfigured babies came on. She saw what I was doing and now thinks that I get turned on by disfigured babies.

I mean how unlucky is that, the same program being on at the same time on two different channels.


My daughter thought she was very funny by spelling out the word "cock" in her alphabetti spaghetti.

She soon ate her words.


I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"


My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.


In a way, aren't we all 9/11 survivors?


You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.


I saw a sign in a car park saying "thieves want your sat nav!"

I thought, "well they can get lost"...


My wife put a dent in my car backing out the garage this morning .

The fat bitch needs to start looking where she's walking.


Nine years of searching, 140 000 troops deployed, $125 billion spent and still the Americans can't manage to find a man who lives in a cave.

No wonder Batman was so successful.


I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."


Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"

Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?


I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.

Nice bit of footage.


I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.


I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.


It's been revealed that 90% of Black men wear their socks during sex,

and a balaclava

and a knife.


A guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter. I said, "Sure, give me your packet."
He handed over his packet and I took a cigarette out. I said, "There you go."
"What the fuck is that?" he said bemused.
I replied, "It's a cigarette lighter."


Jay-Z is rumoured to be having marital difficulties with Beyonce.

Looks like he's got 100 problems now.


BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"

If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...

Nope, no sign of that.

  • Dannyl
  • September 29, 2010, 12:38 am
You might be interested


Reply Attach
  • 2

    haha those are some good jokes.
    I hadn't heard a few of them

  • 1

    all of em were great, but lololol at the last one.

Related Posts