How to deal with an obnoxious moviegoer

I found this short story from The Oatmeal really quite funny. I hope you do too. Enjoy.

header - how to deal with an obnoxious moviegoer

o - how to deal with an obnoxious moviegoer
Occasionally I get free movie tickets. Friends, co-workers, or family lands a few and I get to go see a movie on someone else's dime. Free is great, but the people who attend free movies are not. On this particular occasion, I got a ticket to go see Sunshine, which I was very excited about primarily because the trailer used the Requiem for a Dream song, which makes any movie look like a tear-jerking, epic masterpiece. I was also excited because it was directed by Danny Boyle, whose other works include Slumdog Millionaire, Shrieking Monkey Plague, and Shrieking Monkey Plague 2 - Lets Throw Up Blood On One Another.

So my friend sat down next to me at the theater and the movie was about to begin. "What's that smell?" she asked, "It smells like pee."

Unflinching, her boyfriend responded: "It's clam chowder."

Sure enough, sitting one row back and three seats to our left was a woman holding a large to-go order of clam chowder which she'd snuck into the theater. Surprisingly, clam chowder smells very similar to urine when you don't know where the source is - it's like the asparagus of soups.

The woman herself looked like a water buffalo in a sweatshirt. She had broad shoulders and a stern, oppressive brow. Her twinkling eyes were fixed straight ahead in the dim theater light, but her powerful jaw moved rapidly to break down the large spoonfuls of chowder which she rhythmically pounded into her mouth. This woman did not simply eat clam chowder, she grazed on it.

water buffalo

Twenty minutes into the film I heard her. She was talking to the screen - narrating her thoughts and feelings, as well as answering rhetorical questions asked by the characters. "What will we do? There's no time!" asked the main character. "I dun' know! You be so screwed!" she belched in anguish, as if the actors in the movie could actually hear her clam-scented reply. Fifteen minutes from the end of the movie - the climax - and the water buffalo was still talking. I'd endured her for nearly two hours, and what was a mild irritation had transformed into a boiling, volcanic rage. I don't know how my popcorn tasted, and I can't remember who was sitting near me. As far as what was happening on the screen, it's a complete blank. My surroundings had become completely blind to me. All I remember is pure, unfiltered hatred. I was Ghenghis Khan. I was genocide. Stars collapsed under the weight of my fury, and when I opened my eyes all I saw was the heads of ten thousand water buffalo on bloody pikes peppering the horizon from Los Angeles to New York City.

So, without further ado, I turned around and spoke.

shut up - how to deal with an obnoxious moviegoer

Her response?

buffalo speak

Again, my memory beyond this point is a bit hazy. I remember screaming more obscenities at her, and I remember a couple sitting behind me telling me that I was now more disruptive than the water buffalo had ever been, and I remember walking down the aisle after the movie had ended and hearing another moviegoer say "Where's the guy that went psycho?" I also remember the water buffalo quietly shuffling out of the theater afterwards. I think clam chowder and darkness were the sources of her strength, without them she was a meek, fearful creature.

Did I "go psycho?" I think that's a rather uncreative way of putting it - I like to think of myself as a warrior. Sure, I embarrassed myself and made the situation a lot worse for everyone than it had to be, but in doing so the buffalo was slain. So fuck you, chowderbeast, I'm a champ and you eat seafood from a giant bucket.

champ - how to deal with an obnoxious moviegoer

The End

    Views: 7,940
  • Bekenel
  • July 6, 2010, 7:00 am
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  • 1

    I hate when theres that one fucking person who laughs at everything. Even if its not funny, she laughs. And whats worse is the laugh is horrible to your ears

    Sorry:( my insomnia makes me do that sometimes.
    - ember January 2, 2011, 9:09 am
    yea mine too, i just start laughing at everything, even if its not even remotely funny, and ten minutes later ill think back to it and start laughing out of the blue
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:11 pm
    That's exactly what I do, people think I'm crazy:)
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:21 pm
    not crazy just a little tired :)
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:31 pm
    More then a little, I havn't slept properly since I was 14.
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:33 pm
    me neither , my sleep patterns are terrible,sometimes i dont remember going to sleep then i wake up not remembering anything before i went to sleep
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:35 pm
    It sucks, almost as much as my immortel, or the people who keep posting the same thing over and over again with different names.
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:38 pm
    it sucks almost as much as not being able to go to sleep o.o...which it is
    see what i did there :D
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:39 pm
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:41 pm
    holy shit we peppered this post with comments, this is why sharenator needs a pm :(
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:42 pm
    What's a pm?
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:48 pm
    personal message
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:49 pm
    We definitly need that:D
    - ember January 9, 2011, 10:52 pm
    yeaz we do, it would be better than having to light peoples post's up, bekenel is gunna have like 36 messages when he checks his sharenator
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 10:54 pm
    Poor bekenel is going to be like

    kinda like mrcbccadetx0, me and castlewarsareawsome have left about 98 messages for him XD
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:06 pm
    once hes done raging hes gunna facepalm :)
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:09 pm
    the only question is which facepalm it will be.
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:12 pm
    the one which breaks his nose
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:14 pm
    This one,
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:30 pm
    i said break his nose not kill him...but yea

    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:33 pm
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:43 pm
    he's not trying to face palm he just needs somone to hug even if it is a piece of crap coconut tree
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:45 pm
    That's kinda sad...*looks at clock* I only have an hour intill school. now I'm really sad:'(
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:48 pm
    yes , it is 5:51 right now, and being sick has never felt better :), oh and "im a BANANNA, HAZZAA"
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:51 pm
    How did you know:O
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:55 pm
    because great bannanas think alike, and my time zone is prolly the same as yourz :D
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:56 pm
    Your an hour ahead of me:D What is the future like?
    - ember January 9, 2011, 11:58 pm
    mehh, it is what it is :) but for us bannanas we make the msot out of our time, even if it is just an hour :D, wait how do i know your not 23 hours ahead of me
    - PwnzElite January 9, 2011, 11:59 pm
    o.O... I'm in Virginia.
    - ember January 10, 2011, 12:03 am
    it was a joke Slice :)
    - PwnzElite January 10, 2011, 12:05 am
    you can never be to sure I talked to this one guy who was a day ahead of me.
    - ember January 10, 2011, 12:08 am
    was his name Arnold Schwarzenegger
    - PwnzElite January 10, 2011, 12:11 am
    no, it was stranger.
    - ember January 10, 2011, 12:14 am
    wanna know something... we have been posting back to back for three hours now o.o
    - PwnzElite January 10, 2011, 12:16 am
    with 34 postst:D
    - ember January 10, 2011, 12:19 am
    "Ember counts so YOU dont have too" is your new slogan :)
    - PwnzElite January 10, 2011, 12:20 am
    I'm going to say that around school todday XD
    I gota go get ready for school talk to you in about nine hours:)
    - ember January 10, 2011, 12:24 am
    alright , goodbye newly acquired friend "Ember" :)
    - PwnzElite January 10, 2011, 12:26 am
  • 1

    Epic Victory!

  • 1

    I almost raged when i saw she said*Nu UH you shut up* i hate that comeback when some little bitch is complaining and you say please be quiet or shut the fuck up and there like *why not you shut up* ffs really im not the one whos been talking for the past hour!.........this is the main reason i rage and go all FUUUUUUUUUU- on people

  • 1

    i want to shrieking monkey plague 1 and 2 :P

  • 1

    Love it it's so funny

    • peace
    • January 2, 2011, 8:15 am
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