How to be a Gentleman and How to be a Lad
How to be a Gentleman: –
1. Have both a rural and urban residence.
In this modern age, owning two or more residences should be more than common place. One should be located in the nearest large city, preferably London and only in the most wealthy and fashionable areas. None of this ‘Cheapside’ toff. The other should be situated in the attractive British country. The counties of Hampshire, Surrey and Sussex are all acceptable.
2. Hire a personal man-servant, or valet.
Call the local firm and be sure to hire your own ‘gentleman’s gentleman’ to take care of any mundane chores around your residencies. This should include cooking, cleaning, washing of clothes and even running your baths. They should be able to drive you and advise you, rather like your own Jeeves from the P.G. Wodehouse novels.
3. Drive only the best.
German and Italian cars are somewhat good, however the ideal gentleman should drive a true British classic, such as a Jaguar E-Type or and Aston Martin DB5. These should be well kept and stored in a private garage away from the prying eyes of the common rabble.
4. Speak properly.
Swearing is forbidden. Ideas should always be conveyed in a concise and well-delivered format befitting communication with royalty. Subject matter is another thing altogether. With fellow gentlemen, cars and sport are both acceptable criterion. With women, these should be avoided for fear of boring them, and should instead be occupied with chat of the weather, past meetings and mutual acquaintances.
How to be a Lad: –
1. Have a batchelor pad in the heart of London.
Who cares where the fuck it is, simply be sure that it’s large, spacious and modern, with plenty of bedroom and tonnes of flatscreen TV’s all about the place. Posters should take care of the wall space and the drinks cabinet should always be full, the fridge stocked with beer.
If you feel boring and must get a girlfriend, then make sure she can take care of all the shit you don’t want to. This includes cleaning the loo’s, feeding the dogs (no faggy cats about) and, above all, making sandwiches.
3. The most modern cars.
To be honest, any car past 2007 will do, as long as it doesn’t look like a pile of shit. Honda Civics will do the job, with Mini’s chucked in for good measure. Anthing that really fuckign shouts ‘boy racer’. All lad-points will be removed if seen driving a Beetle, a Fiat 500 or a Nissan Micra. GAY!
Around the mates, anything can be said, from masturbation, to who won the match last night. Each conversation should involved sport, women and drinking at least once. None of this deep, meaningful crap. With women, the tactics change. Be nice, although direct, flirting massively and trying to get her in the sack as quickly as possible.