George Carlin Quotes

This might be tl;dr for some. but for those who know of George Carlin's awesomeness, you'll take the time. I'm posting all of them because some that weren't funny to me might be to others. if you dont like some skip a few and keep reading.

Enjoy =)

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.

We're all amateurs. It's just that some of us are more professional about it than others.

The reason they call it "The American Dream" is that you have to be asleep to believe it.

I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.

I have as much authority as the Pope...I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

"You can't have it both ways." That depends on how intimately you know the other person....if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Why don't they have dessert at breakfast?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

What exactly is "diddley squat?"

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Whenever someone tells me they're going to fix a chicken, I always think...maybe it isn't really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil.

When I'm really bored, I sit home and translate the writing on foreign biscuits.

I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waitin' for? Guns in church! That's gonna be a lotta fun!

I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

We have mileage, yardage and footage...why don't we have inchage?

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

Is the kidney a bean-shaped organ, or is the bean a kidney-shaped legume?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

"You learn something new every day." Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.

It is impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spend on hold.

Whenever I hear about a "peacekeeping force," I wonder if they're so interested in peace, why would they use force?

Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled. Until recently.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he couldn't wait to get away from?

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

A small town is any place too poor to have its own insane asylum.

The status quo always sucks.

People say when you die, you can't take it with you. Well, that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car and I realize I'm not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.

There are only two places in the world--over here and over there.

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most TV shows would not be on the air.

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch.

I can't bear to go to the children's zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages.

My phone number is seventeen. I got one of the early ones.

Someone said to me, 'Make yourself a sandwich.' Well, if I *could* make myself a sandwich, I *wouldn't* make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead? (From "Ten things that piss me off")

I thought it would be nice to get a job in a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there'd be a whole lot to do in a place like that.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? (From "Ten things that piss me off")

It is a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.

If you want to keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of times a week.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well of course he was a loner, he killed everyone he came in contact with.

What exactly is "midair?" Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

Why do we say "redheaded" but "brownhaired?"

Don't you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as matresses?

I looked in the dictionary. "Cleanliness" is *not* next to "godliness." "Cleanliness" is between "claustrophobia" and "cleavage."

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Environmentalists don't give a damn about the environment. All they are concerned with is getting more bike paths and Volvos.

Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full. I say the glass is too big.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.

I've got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Let a smile be your umbrella and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Hey kids! It's mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there?

I’ve also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Doesn’t this piss you off? You’re reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Who cares?.......I’m not interested. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah’s Ark!

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

In Hawaii they say "aloha." It means both hello and goodbye. Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Next guy who says to me, "Bada-boom, bada-bing" is gettin' kicked right in the fuckin' nuts.

You know what we need? Black Jell-o.

Do you know why they call it a blow JOB? So it'll sound like there's a work ethic involved. Makes a person feel like they did something useful for the economy.

Let's not forget how boring golf is. Have you ever watched it on television? It's like watching flies fuck. A completely mindless game.

They say only 10% of the brain's function is known. Apparently, the function of the remaining 90% is to keep us from discovering its function.

About the only intelligent thing the British ever did was putting that drivers's seat right over there by the curb where it belongs. Of course then they went and moved the curb to the wrong side of the street.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America, you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High quality, grade-A, prime-cut pure American bullshit.

Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer, the National Enquirer says he's "vowed to lick this thing." Just once I'd like to hear a guy say, "I've got cancer, and this is it. I'll be dead in a few months.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate bar.

Did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here." Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their fuckin' cookies?

Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get famous enough so that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culture for an Elvis impersonator lookalike? Probably.

Once a year they should have a No Hairpiece Day. So everyone could see what all these baldy-headed, fake-hair jerkoffs really look like.

Instead of warning pregnant woman not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Fuck whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

I notice that unlike on other holidays, the police don't seem to make a big deal about drunk driving on Good Friday.

At one time there existed a race of people whose knowledge consisted entirely of gossip.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Why was brown excluded from the rainbow? And where did indigo come from? I was taught there were three primary colors and three secondary colors? What's with this indigo shit?

You know a phrase I never understand? King size. It's used to denote something larger, but most of the kings you see are short. You ever notice that? Usually a king is a short little fat guy. You never see a tall king.

You never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving. I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

The only difference between lilies and turds is whatever difference humans have agreed upon; I don't always agree.

Live and let live, that's what I say. Anyone who can't understand that should be killed.

The mayfly only lives one day. And sometimes it rains.

I wonder: On rainy nights, does the sandman send the mudman?

They say that if two planes almost collide it's a 'near miss.' Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A COLLISION is a near miss.

Attending college at a place called Bob Jones University is like putting your money in Nick & Tony's Bank.

Here's my idea for another one of those 'reality based' TV shows. "No Survivors!" One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all the "Survivor" survivors. Think of it as a public service.

Suppose you took an oath by placing your RIGHT hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

One objection to cloning human beings is that there's a chance for abnormal offspring. Yeah? So? You ever take a look at some of those families in the South?

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo finishing? You just saw the fuckin' thing!

"Sir, you can get on the plane now." "On the plane? No, my friends, not me. I'm not getting ON the plane; I'm getting IN the seems less windy in there."

"Tell your own words." Do you have your own words? Personally, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say, "Nigflot blorny quando floon."

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? I can't follow the logic.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage?" Do some people actually cook that stuff?

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

The trouble with a sitcom is that every week it's the same irritating group of assholes.

It's time to start slapping people.

True fact: There is now an "interactive food" called SNOT--Super Nauseating Obnoxious Treat. It squirts out of a plastic dispenser shaped like a man's nose. God Bless America.

The best thing about living at the seashore is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. And if they come at you from the water, you can usually hear them splash.

Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere.

Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone suddenly comes in the room? And you have to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there's a song called "Fuck her?"

You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Think how entertaining it would be if all the people on TV still had their original teeth.

When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.

Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me mad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost "Hey, toots!"

Why don't network TV shows have a warning that says, "Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of shit." Actually, they could just leave it on the screen all the time.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Do you ever get that strange feeling of vuja de? Not deja vu, vuja de. It's the distinct sense that somehow, something that just happened has never happened before. Nothing seems familiar. And then suddenly the feeling is gone. Vuja de.

If you haven't gotten where you're going, you're probably not there yet.

When people say "Clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Sometimes they say the winds are calm. Well, if they're calm, they're not really winds, are they?

Why do they call one sport "women's tennis" and then turn around and call the other one "ladies' golf"?

My main operating principle: Don't take any shit from the zeitgeist."

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

"On the fritz" is a useful expression only if you're talking about a home appliance. You wouldn't say, "the space shuttle is on the fritz." You'd never hear it in a hospital. "Doctor, the heart-lung machine in on the fritz."

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

You live 80 years and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

Why do they bother saying 'Raw sewage'? Do some people cook that stuff?

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an athiest and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

Contrary to popular belief, Babe Ruth did not call his famous home run shot. He was actually giving the finger to a hot dog vendor who had cheated him out of twelve cents.

The wrong two Beatles died first.

Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.

Cosmologists are just now beginning to accept the possibility that the big bang was actually caused by a huge explosion in a meth lab.

Start saving your cash for the black market, folks, you're gonna need it.

And don't forget all those 'freedom-loving people around the world who look to us as a beacon of hope.' Those, I assume, would be the ones we haven't bombed lately.

They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mentione anything about cursing a lack of candles.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

The captain has just turned the seat belt sign on again. Of course, he also just stuffed a pound of walnuts up his nose one by one, so you can decide for yourselves what you want to do about the belts.

There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet these two words are not opposites. Why is this?

Try to find a phone plan that provides more than just free minutes. See if any companies are offering free brains.

You know what's good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don't have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

Stick around. China's gonna win it all.

Any time marketers add a 'y' to the name of a food, you can be sure they're yanking your schwantz. 'Real chocolatey goodness.' Translation? No fuckin' chocolate!

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It's the only product that, used as intended, kills the customer.

Sign your petitions, walk your picket lines, bring your lawsuits, cast your votes, and write those stupid letters to whomever you please; you won't change a thing. Because we control your lives. And we have plans for you. Go back to sleep.

I believe the next trend in cosmetic surgery will be a procedure that leaves the person with a cryptic smile. Occasionally, of course, the surgeon's hand will slip and the patient will wind up with a baffled look.

'Cough drops' have grown up and turned into 'throat lozenges,' some even calling themselves 'pastilles' or 'troches.' Guess what? Right! Two dollars more for lozenges, pastilles and troches.

Regarding creationists: Aren't these the same people who gave us alchemy and astrology, and who told us the earth, besides being flat, was at the center of the universe? Why don't we just kill these fuckin' people?

I was reading a fitness magazine that had an article about cross-training, and I realized this would have been a good idea for Jesus.

You want to know some REAL gourmet food? Toasted snail penises; candied filet of panda asshole; deep dish duck dick. Now you're talkin' cuisine.

A demilitarized zone sounds like a good idea, but I've noticed that wherever they have a demilitarized zone, there are always a lot of soldiers nearby.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

A radio commercial says that a certain diet pill works three times faster than starvation. Question: Are they guessing or did they really run those tests?

I wonder if anyone who was working in or near the World Trade Center that day took advantage of all the confusion to simply disappear? What a great way to get away from your family.

Middlebrow bumper sticker in California: IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT. Yeah, sure. Unless the thing you're dreaming is impossible. Then, chances are, you can't do it. But try to enjoy life anyway.

You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I'll bet they 'd really enjoy going to school every day.

I wish the ecology people would save one species that would make a dramatic comeback and then wipe us all out.

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

I think they ought to have really fast escalators that you have to jump on and off, and if you get hurt, too bad.

None of the Bush religious fanatics will admit this, but the destruction of the World Trade Center was a 'faith-based initiative.' A fundamentalist-Moslem faith-based initiative. Different faith, but hey, we're all about diversity here.

Why is it the only time you ever hear the word 'figment' it's in relation to the imagination? Aren't there any other kinds of figments?

You know what kind of guy you never see anymore? A fop.

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

People who don't give a shit and have nothing to lose will always prevail over people who are fighting for some vague sentiment scrawled on a piece of parchment. Folks, they're gonna getcha; and it ain't gonna be pleasant.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all kinds of social obligations simply by saying you're too tired.

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

I typed the word "Google" into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.

Everything is gourmet now: gourmet cuisine in a can, gourmet dining in a cup. Folks, try not to be too fuckin' stupid, will ya?

If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government's security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What The Fuck Was That? and The Department of What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now?

You know what you never see? A really good-looking homeless couple.

Homemade flavor. Folks, take my word for this, a food company operating out of a ninety-acre processing plant is functionally incapable of producing anything homemade. I don't care if the CEO is living in the basement, wearing an apron and cooking on a hot plate, it's not gonna happen.

Sometimes the advertising people realize that 'homemade' sounds too full of shit, so they switch to 'home-style.' They'll say something has 'home-style flavor.' Well, whose home are we talking about? Jeffrey Dahmer's?

I think they should have a hotline that never answers, for people who don't follow advice in the first place.

There are some people who are so nondescript that is their identities were stolen it would be an improvement.

I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don't talk, he works out alone and I go home.

Purina now has a cat food made especially for cats who live indoors. "Indoor cat food for indoor cats." Meanwhile, I'm sure you're aware that some human beings have no food at all.

You know what you never see? A Korean guy with freckles and a big hook nose.

We have classifications called "legally blind" and "legally dead." What about "legally tired"? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired so he could get out of doing the things he doesn't want to do.

Michael Jackson missed his calling. If he had become a Catholic priest, he could've spent thirty or forty years blowing all the little boys he wanted, and no one would have said a word.

The Professional Bowlers Association sanctions a tournament called The Odor Eaters Open. It's probably because of all those rented shoes.

The energy criminals now refer to oil drilling as oil exploration. Instead of Mobil and Exxon, they'd rather you picture Lewis and Clark.

When they say 'old-fashioned,' they want us to think about the old days, don't they? The old days. You know, before we had sanitation laws; before hygiene became popular; back when E. Coli was considered a condiment.

Usually when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, "You want some coffee?" I tell them, "No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix." I try to get things I need.

When the supermarket checkout person asks, "Paper or Plastic?" I often say, "Woven silk," just to keep him on his toes. "Rolled steel" is not a bad answer either.

I'd like to know the suicide rate among people who call in to radio psychologists and actually follow the advice they get.

A lot of people who worry about the safety of nuclear plants don't bother using their seat belts.

I wonder what kind of masturbation fantasies Stephen King has?

They're always talking about what separates the men from the boys. Well, I'm gonna tell you what separates the men from the boys. The sodomy laws.

The feminists have this thing, "Take our daughters to work day." Why don't the men have "Take our sons to the cat-house night"?

Used to be you had to go to Europe to find a spa. Now any place that has a sink and more than three towels is a fucking spa!

Just because you don't have a lot of money to spend is no reason you shouldn't spend what little you have.

Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

This item demonstrates how stupid the average American is. Every ninety minutes someone in this country is hit by a train. A train, okay? Trains are on tracks; they can't come and get you. They can't surprise you when you step off a curb. You have to go to them. Got that?

Join us tomorrow on 'As the Turd Whirls,' as Trent has to decide whether to blow the mailman in exchange for free stamps.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I find it discouraging--and a bit depressing--when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

You can now buy vibrating panties. They're a kind of thong with a built-in vibrator. Just what we needed.

One of those clubs that feature nude dancers recently got in trouble with the government because it didn't have wheelchair ramps.

I was in a Yuppie joint last year where the cover of the noontime menu, instead of saying 'menu,' actually had the words 'lunch solutions.' There I sat, unaware that I even had problems and those nice folks were ready to provide solutions.

I get weary of this zero tolerance bullshit. It's annoying. To begin with, it's a fascist concept; it's what Hitler and Stalin practiced. It allows for no exceptions or compassion of any kind. All is black and white--no gradations.

When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

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  • 2

    I swallowed a good portion of saliva when I read that little bit.

    • Disco
    • April 17, 2011, 4:04 pm
    is that good or bad? lol
    - bufus101 April 17, 2011, 4:17 pm
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