Funny Facebook Status Ideas (50 Status’)

Dave feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while…

Katie dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Dave says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Katie is cle’a] he’r ke]yb29oa;rd

Dave is wondering why his daughter’s diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Dave doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it.

Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”

Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Katie “Good morning…I see the assassins have failed.”

Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute

Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%

Dave People reckon I’m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Dave I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.

Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Dave Don’t waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.

Dave My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t happy.

Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.

Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she’s been diagnosed with OCD. She’s rung the doctors nine times to check if they’re correct.

Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.

Katie will one day get even… with all the people that have helped her.

Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.

Katie I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…

Dave I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

Katie TEIAM – problem solved

Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”