England FTW

If you're still waiting for Civilization V to launch then you might be pondering which civ to play first time through. Maybe France? Right? What with their nice culture benefits, or perhaps America - with their staunch history of blah blah blah. Forget that shit. The only one you should pick is England. And here's why.

1 - england ftw

(This is the flag of Britain.)

England has and will always be the most powerful civilization. There are several reasons for this but because you live in a former British colony you're not smart enough to understand them. So let me break it down for you.

1) Class.

2 - england ftw

Look at this motherfucker. Look into his eyes. This guy right here is the Duke of Wellington. He will fuck you up. But only after taking afternoon tea in the company of fine ladies and the gentle, upper-class intelligentsia.

He was so good at military command that he had time to invent a new type of boot so that he wouldn't sully himself in the mud of the battlefield. And look at his shirt. All red because fuck camouflage, England is so good at war we actually have to dress up in the most conspicuous clothing ever just to give our enemies a fighting chance.

See, that's class.

Guerrilla tactics? Not in my army maggot. We don't even go to war before agreeing honourable terms of engagement. Which include arrangements for your colonization because, haha, you don't even have a fucking chance. Seriously, we're going to win. Bend over and take it.

2) Technology.

3 - england ftw

See that? That's London like a million years ago. When you idiots were still crawling around in mud huts we had fucking skycrapers and steam engines. We are the enlightened ones. You know the Victorian era? That was named after an English king, fuckers. Everything you take for granted in your entire goddam life we invented. And if we didn't invent it. We conquered the people who did.

We had computers in 1837, bitches. At that time America didn't even have roads and people fought over such primitive things like cattle or religion. Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He's on our money, we're so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don't have money.

When one hundred and fifty thousand Zulu warriors zerg rushed Rourke's Drift, one hundred Englishmen massacred them so hard we basically won the continent in one battle. Because we had guns, and they didn't. That's technology. Seriously, we fucked them up so hard it would have made that evening's newspaper, had we bothered to report it. We're modest like that, see. Have I covered class yet?

3) Culture

Listen to this. Listen to this and be afraid. Because an Englishman composed this at the request of King Edward. Because our enemies weren't terrified enough, and war was becoming too boring for us, what with our impeccable thirty for nought record.

If you think that choosing some generic war-mongering race in Civilization V like the Aztecs or the Greeks can even encapsulate one millionth of the fury that the English have unleashed upon this pitiful world than you are tragically mistaken. We made Alexander the Great look like Alexander the Mediocre.

What is English culture? English culture is your culture, because we own you. It is Shakespeare Milton and Keats. We're not only trendsetters, but we invented the word trendsetters, as well as every other word in this entire fucking post. In Civilization V, the English will attain a cultural victory so easily that we don't even need to rely upon golden ages or great people. Because we're never not in a golden age and every Englishman is great.

4) England

4 - england ftw

Don't you just hate those Nazis? Oh wait, that's right. They're all dead because of us. Yeah that's right, I'm Godwinning all up in this bitch. Why? Because I'm English and am therefore objectively better than you. I can do whatever the hell I want. And do.

Everything that is English is simply the pinnacle of human achievement, and this is represented accurately in Civilization V. We're all richer than you are. In better health. Our soldiers are better trained and when you fuck some war up you call us to sort out the mess. Because we have thousands of years of history of unfucking someone else's mess. You don't. Because you don't even have a thousand years of history.

You're envious of us. It's ok. We understand. It's perfectly normal. In the annals of human history we're pretty much top. Sure, those Ottomans stirred some shit, and those Egyptians had some nice monuments. But the bottom line is that the annals of history are written in English, not Egyptian.

You fawn over your minuscule successes like a child pleased at not shitting the bed. Meanwhile over in old Blighty, our God-race of immaculate human beings are busy building the world's first and only utopia. In England. Remember Henry, and William. Remember Elizabeth and the armada. Remember the thirteen colonies and the commonwealth. Remember the internet, and modern science. And industrialization. And the greatest poetry and sonnets, the best novels, the most beautiful art, the largest navies and most organized military. The most accomplished sportsmen, thinkers, philosophers, upper class geniuses that are simply better than you.

I know Civilization V is, to many extents, an abstraction of real life. But even if it contained one tenth fact then England will no doubt be so grotesquely overpowered that you gibbering morons will be screaming for a zero hour patch to remove the English from the game entirely. But that patch, sir. Oh that patch will never come. Sorry.

Now, anyone for tea?

GO Captain K.

Source: http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=128562

  • Math
  • September 27, 2010, 3:47 am
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Reply Attach
  • 12

    u used the wrong flag! i now hate you for the rest of the day
    this is the real one!
    uk flag - england ftw

    • BEASTY
    • October 15, 2010, 11:05 am
    im so insulted by the faliure!!!
    - SkinnyBill October 16, 2010, 9:17 am
    I would of thought, with a post about England we'd need this flag?

    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:13 am
    doesnt look as good :P
    - BEASTY October 17, 2010, 4:36 am
    Be a gentlemen and concede defeat my good man ;)
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 12:16 pm
    i prefer the one with blue for some reason
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:17 am
    I thought the sky was blue ;)
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:19 am
    yes its light filtering through hydrogen molocules for 5-6 miles it looks blue
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:41 am
    You know what, I was never any good at science, thankyou for teaching me something :)
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:43 am
    your quite welcome :) i think its right but i did it 3 years ago in science :P so hopefully its right
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:48 am
    Pfft I've not done science since I left high school in 2008 and even then I didn't get it. I only got my marks because of coursework and understanding biology lol
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:52 am
    :P i have biology chemistry and physics all as seporate GCSE's and i leave school in may :) :D
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 8:05 am
    Jeez, you're doing better than me, I did double science and got an A and a B, but the exam was multiple choice so I guess it was kind an easy grade :P
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 8:07 am
    lol i got a A on average in physics and B's in chem and bio
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 8:30 am
  • 8

    I love this post :)

    English FTW!

    • SuDoku
    • September 27, 2010, 10:47 am
  • 5

    trolololol - england ftw

    Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He's on our money, we're so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don't have money.
    I liked this part :D

    Note: Being atheist procludes being "god damned" anything - there is no god.
    - GarnStickit October 17, 2010, 9:38 pm
  • 5

    Just one little thing... the Victorian era was named after the queen, Victoria, not the king. But great post though! :P

  • 4

    Haha, well played :P
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:11 am
    haha, nobody gives a shit :)
    - Goober October 17, 2010, 1:22 pm
  • 3

    I think I'll pop down to Pemberly estate and have a cup of tea with Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Afterwards, I shall head to Kent, and the awe inspiring residence of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

  • 3

    I'm starting to thing everyone on sharenator are crazy internet war addicts. I don't give a s*$t who has the best country/continent i just want to look at funny crap about squirrel's throwing up and junk like that.

    • hightec
    • October 16, 2010, 8:29 am
    If you read the text though, it is just a massive piss take, and is really quite funny if you look at it in the right way. It's like footy (soccer) there's always going to be banter between rival fans, and it's the same with countries, it's just a joke lol.
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:03 am
  • 2

    I know this'll get voted down straight away by people who won't even bother to read it!

    • Math
    • September 27, 2010, 4:14 am
    why would people even do that any ways?
    - gamma935 September 27, 2010, 10:22 am
  • 2

    Oh Math , I still love you buddy. "intelligentsia" FTW !!!!

  • 2

    FuHucking EPIC Math!
    FTW, Who Invented Humans Bitches?!
    wait... Shit... Erm.... Shakespear... Errmmm, Royal Marines, Phew... Saved :D +!,000,000 (Yeah I Can Do That 'Cos I'm British and Not Only British But ENGLISH!)

  • 2

    lolz plus 3 btw im american

  • 2

    also, thats a nice pic of Dover Castle you got there :D

    I wondered which one it was! If it's south of Nottingham I'm not that clued up due to being a bit ignorant of the South.
    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:26 am
    Ehh.... white cliffs = dover.
    - SkinnyBill October 16, 2010, 9:52 am
    Well f@#k me backwards! Only just noticed them!!
    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:58 am
  • 2

    This is fucking heroic. I downloaded Civ 5 weeks ago and have never played it, is it any good?

    • Dannyl
    • October 18, 2010, 6:26 am
  • 1

    Cept egypt has the fastest build rate for wonders AKA they make more money can produce units faster and whup everyone's asses

    Did you know that Cleopatra was alive closer to the moon landings than to the first pyramid being built?!?!?
    - Math October 16, 2010, 12:47 am
    - Tremp20k October 16, 2010, 2:49 am
    Just a random fact back at you!
    - Math October 16, 2010, 4:40 am
    He was talking about the game-Civilization V.
    - Jozzoh October 16, 2010, 8:42 pm
    Yeah I knew that!
    - Math October 17, 2010, 12:45 am
  • 1

    Last time I checked, Australia was not only ranked the second-best country in the world overall (second to France), but also raping the commonwealth games :D

    UK pulls in at No. 25 :P


    Plus England cost Jacky Pearson her gold medal because they had a bitch to the judges in the 100 m sprint.
    - Jozzoh October 16, 2010, 1:13 am
    - Jackylegs October 16, 2010, 1:23 am
  • 1

    lol we pulled your dicks out of the fire in ww1 and 2 not to mention that little incident where we kicked england's ass in the 1700's. And we totally have you guys over technology because we have, the cotton gin, morse code, the telegraph, ether used for anesthesia,hand cranked machine gun (civil war), refrigerator train cars to transport bacon without it going bad, phonograph, fully automatic machine gun (upgrade from hand crank)and those are just a few from 1717 to 1889.

    Whilst you were all busy doing that we burned the White House down!

    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:49 am
    have a Penguin math
    - triclebickle October 16, 2010, 10:17 am
    - Math October 16, 2010, 10:22 am
    - triclebickle October 16, 2010, 10:32 am
    The Gatling gun
    - Reddeath195 December 14, 2010, 8:43 pm
    nuff said
    - triclebickle December 15, 2010, 4:29 am
    Just one little point, who were the ones who invented your little country? The british. So technically, we invented all that. Nyeh to you
    - JonnymusPrime December 15, 2010, 5:52 am
    well who rebelled and whooped yall's asses ugh we did so no technicality, why are we getting into this again
    - triclebickle December 15, 2010, 12:41 pm
    we burned down the white house? ok. well we rebuilt it and we also got our FREEDOM.
    - johnecash December 15, 2010, 1:04 pm
    - Reddeath195 December 16, 2010, 7:08 am
    She is not perfect, but I feel she is the best there is.
    - johnecash December 16, 2010, 7:12 am
    Agreed sir agreed
    - Reddeath195 December 16, 2010, 7:33 am
  • 1

    I would love a cup of tea.

    Would you like some stereotype with that?
    - miketehpope December 16, 2010, 7:45 am
  • 1

    You, sir, have insulted the proud British race. The Victorian era was named after a queen. Not a king. Furthermore, your grammar abhors me. Toodle-pip!

  • -3

    If England is so great why the hell did they lose to America in the American Revolution? England had like 5,000 more soldiers and they still lost. That is pathetic. Who the hell discovered electricity? An American. Who made the first airplane? An American. Who the fuck made the first affordable car. One goddamn American. Did you know you can take your England and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO WE DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANOTHER WHINY-ASS BITCH! Oh and just so you know we have money and it has the same people who kicked your countries ass around while England was at the height of its power! That is because, AMERICANS DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE!!!

    You just don't get it do you?
    Where is your sense of humour yank?
    - Math December 15, 2010, 6:12 am
  • -4


    • werethe
    • October 16, 2010, 2:51 am
    Dude, dude, dude. Seriously you joined Sharenator just to say that?Get something useful to have as input in this conversation orrrrr.... You could just do the decent thing and errr,


    And yeah, I would like some tea. Cheers for the offer.
    - SuDoku October 16, 2010, 5:12 am
  • -4

    after reading this post i am very surprised. i am surprised to see the author does not seem to care about any of the accomplishments that Briton has made in the last 100 years. after reading this i am left with the feeling that Briton has not done anything in the last 100 years and wants the world to love his country for something he had nothing to do with. some people want to live in the past. it seems the only thing this author likes about his own country is 100 years or older. that is surprisingly sad to me. so to me a valid summary of this post from the authors eyes is this;
    England, our fathers fathers fathers did amazing things, but his generation has done nothing to make the Queen proud. Sad.

    Yet i remember you saying "My grandfather allowed you to speak freely" and you frequently bring up America's 'role' in World War 2. Sounds to me like someone too is proud of their nation's history.


    P.S. It's Britain, and this post was about England. They are different.
    - pureawesomeness October 16, 2010, 10:06 am
    Dude it's a joke. Chill the fuck out. It's just banter. I understand you're proud of you countries heritage, and in the same respect so am I, and so is the author and this is exactly what this post is about, heritage, and taking the piss out of it. And WWI and WWII occurred in the past 100 years, so you're a bit out on your calculations :D
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:08 am
    i am proud of my history and there is no reason not to be. if you read what i said i said nothing negative about *Britain or England. What i said is that the person who posted this article, well let me quote my self;
    i am surprised to see the author does not seem to care about any of the accomplishments that Briton has made in the last 100 years.
    if you feel that this author has correctly identified anything England should be proud of during our generation or the last 100 years then i was mistaken. if i am please point it out.
    - johnecash October 17, 2010, 7:40 pm
    i am proud of my history and there is no reason not to be. if you read what i said i said nothing negative about Briton or England. What i said is that the person who posted this article, well let me quote my self;
    i am surprised to see the author does not seem to care about any of the accomplishments that Briton has made in the last 100 years.
    if you feel that this author has correctly identified anything England should be proud of during our generation or the last 100 years then i was mistaken. if i am please point it out.
    - johnecash October 17, 2010, 7:40 pm
    Yeah but the point is, and I have said in the past I will agree with you when you are right, but it's a joke, and you seem determined to undermine the fact by going off on one about how the author does not mention anything within the past one hundred years, which I remind you, both world wars were. And please don't try and insult my intelligence with your whole 'I am being the reasonable one' because anyone reading this will know it's a joke and be able to laugh at it and not pick holes in it. Take a joke and stop trying to kill the post for everyone, because no matter how much you deny it, that's what your doing. It's not a post about what England is like today, it's what England has done in the past, see that word there PAST... Means before the present, and it can go back as far or as close to present as the author God damn wants.
    If your gonna bitch and moan about the past 100 years (again which the world wars were in, but y'anno you keep ignoring this fact) here's a link for you, yeah it includes the Welsh, Irish etc, but it's got England in as well. Deal.
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 9:41 pm
    you seem to know what the author means when they leave something out. i don't have that power. my comment was nothing more or nothing less than a statement meant to be taken the same way as the author wrote this article. you took it to heart. you have asked me not to insult your intelligence and i have done the best i can not to. the rest is up to you.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 5:45 am
    Then why comment claiming you know what the author is on about, I have not taken this to heart, it's more the inability of people these days taking jokes to seriously. If you were unsure on what the author was on about then why comment taking a dig at what was written, why not simply ask the question and let someone answer?
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 6:11 am
    he made a statement. i made a statement. if the author wishes to discuss my point of view and his i would welcome it. as of yet he has not. so he made a statement, i made a statement. i still believe that England has much to be proud of. i just hope that in the future more English are proud of what they are doing and not what their farther did. to the last statement do you disagree?
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 6:26 am
    jeeeeeez, settle down buddy
    - poopiteepoop October 18, 2010, 6:28 am
    But you were saying that you didn't know what was left out which is why you didn't understand? You claim that you are proud of your heritage, the whole point of this post, is heritage.. So if you want a post explaining why you're proud of your heritage be my guest, but heritage is what is in the past and what has made your country great, so therefore, that is why he is speaking about what made England great and alot of things led up to that many of which happened years ago. It's like my football team, they were the first winners of all the awards of the time, and a founder of the football league, earning themselves the nickname, the Invincibles, that is what made them famous and great.. But it's the past and their heritage and that happened in 1888. So what? They've done loads since then but that's the defining moment... That's what the post is about defining moments in English history...
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 6:34 am
    At the header of this post it states "A tongue in cheek approach to Civilisation" (the game) It's nothing more than a joke not a dig at other civilisations.
    Some people seem to be taking this post the wrong way.
    It's points are up and down more than Rooney on a Granny!
    - Math October 18, 2010, 6:40 am
    You bitch XD

    But I love the last comment. All is forgiven :P
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 6:42 am
    the fact that i am proud of the US has nothing to do with an English post. i never mentioned it until asked. You say this is a post about heritage. to that i say fair enough but i never see anything in the post that claims this to be a heritage post. i do see this post being about why the author likes England. In a way my message was toward the many different English posters on this site. Everyone knows of the glory and long history of England. It is and always will be known the world over. A common theme I seem to read a lot is England is a wonderful country but no one seems to give her credit for what she has done in recent history. So if you would like to nit pic my post i would ask, not demand, that you nit pic my point. My point one last time is why don't we hear more about modern accomplishments? it seems to an outsider like me that many English rely on what their Fathers Fathers Fathers did, and are not as proud of what they have done.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 6:43 am
    what does a Rooney on a Granny mean? thats a new one to me.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 6:44 am
    Because nothing seems great until it's in the past.. Right now I view England as a country in a war which can't be won, in massive debt, with corruption in politics.. How's that great? But I'm sure in years gone by, people will look back, look at how we've dealt with things and say 'hey, they did alright, and look how it benefits us now'. As they say hindsight is a wonderful thing..
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 6:46 am
    i disagree. Your country has done many a wonderful thing in the last 100 years. two examples would be the ones you pointed out, WWI & WWII. i don't think there ever has been or ever will be a country without problems. So i say be proud of the positives in your modern history. to the US, in a way we think of England as our grand parents. we are proud of you. if any one wants to down rate me for what i am saying let me say it again. i truly wish more English were proud of who and what they have done, not what has happened in the past. i am not saying don't remember your past or be proud, only that you should not forget all that you have done in the present. if i am wrong for thinking England has done a lot of good in the present, let me know and down rate. thanks.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 6:51 am
    But the way you are speaking suggests we should be proud of what has happened in maybe the last decade, I am only old enough to truly understand what has happened in the last decade, but do not tell me I do not understand my countries history, because I do, but from this last decade in my opinion we have nothing to be proud of, we participated in an illegal invasion, maybe for the right reasons, but still illegal, the politicians cannot be trusted to look after money and instead use it on themselves by swindling the taxpayers (see expenses scandal), we had an unelected Prime Minister, and we live in such a nanny state you can't even sneeze without being accused of terrorism or another offence.. England is long since a great country, and if you lived here you'd understand. Maybe in 20 years I might look back and say we did alright, same as we do today on things such as the '70's etc, but the past decade has been anything but great..

    Maybe from another countries perspective we have done great things but not from here.
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 6:59 am
    the way i am speaking? misunderstanding some one's based on text alone is very easy. without the inflection our voices give when we speak it is very easy to misunderstand some one. in the future before you think i am putting you down all i ask is you ask me to clarify.
    to your last point i disagree. i am not here to provide all the reasons why but from what the English did at the Fauklins war, to the BBC 4 smash hit TOP GEAR, i think England, no Briton has much to be proud of in the last 100 years.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:05 am
    Whenever we mention WWI or WWII we get shot down by americans that say they won it.
    One great thing we did in my lifetime was go all the way to the bottom of the world an reclaim the Falklands from the Argies!
    - Math October 18, 2010, 7:07 am
    I understand where you are coming from however, I hardly think Top Gear has influenced out society lol. What influences our society is things from our past and maybe things like the Falklands aren't mentioned but not everything can be.. As Math pointed out, it's a tongue in cheek approach, not everything can be mentioned, and things from the past are sometimes funnier then things in the present.
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:09 am
    the only time i complain about Brits and either world war is when you say that England did it on her own. When you say the the US was not part of the the English war machine. We all know this to be factually incorrect. The Allies won WWI & WWII. Not the US, not England. Who did the heaviest lifting is very much so up to debate. what is not is that without US logistical help the Allies would had fallen in both wars. yall need to be Proud of your armies, hell Monty was good enough to go head to head with the desert fox and WIN! you have much to be proud of in the last 100 years. you probably have much to be proud of in the last 10 years.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:14 am
    this last Friday afternoon in a small town called silverhill alabama i saw a redneck wearing a "I am the Stig" shirt. i believe that in modern days Monty Python is quoted world wide as much as Shakespeare. I know comparing Shakespeare to Monty Python is like comparing Apocalypse now to Tropic Thunder, but the fact is that in some way both have touched people. And is that not what you must do to be remembered?
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:19 am
    Yes but Monty Python was way before my time, and yes it's hilarious, but I'd rather be remembered for what we have done for this world rather than the fact, we have a dude, who isn't as cool since he revealed his identity, driving around a race track, and over the past few years, we haven't. We've followed everyone else..
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:24 am
    - pureawesomeness October 18, 2010, 7:26 am
    Peaks and Valleys brother. what i mean is there are high times and low times. But lets face it even during the low times England has more influence in the world(Political, Entertainment, ect) than Viet Nam has during their best years.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:28 am
    my bad, i have corrected it and left the Astrix in so to note you corrected it.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:29 am
    - pureawesomeness October 18, 2010, 7:34 am
    And so does a lot of countries, however, as put before with the Shakespere and Monty Python, you can hardly compare the two (England & Vietnam). You can say the same for many countries, America has a high influence over our entertainment, heck, my favourite shows are American, but some may say that America's recent history is bad, but I commend the way you dealt with 9/11 and I commend your countries ability to get over the racial divide by electing Barrack Obama. It's all a matter of perspective..
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:36 am
    no country is now or ever will be perfect. by no means am i trying to convey the message that the US is perfect. to be honest i must ask what racial divide? as a self proclaimed "red neck", "southern", or "good'ol boy" not as many as you think care about race but more so about what and who you are. remeber its all pink in the middle.
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:43 am
    From our 'perspective' there was a racial divide, may not be your opinion, but from ours there was. Same as any country.
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:50 am
    fair enough
    - johnecash October 18, 2010, 7:52 am
  • -5

    didn't read, but England sucks Americas cock

    don't forget to cradle the balls England.

    • Goronix
    • October 16, 2010, 7:05 am
    Tell me, why is canada always on top?
    - Goober October 17, 2010, 1:28 pm
    We're just babysitting you until we can trust you not to fuck up the worlds economy... Among other such things..
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:32 pm
    - Math October 17, 2010, 9:39 pm
    Canada, like the attic of your home, is always on top. Its where you store the Christmas decorations.
    - johnecash December 15, 2010, 1:10 pm
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