England FTW

If you're still waiting for Civilization V to launch then you might be pondering which civ to play first time through. Maybe France? Right? What with their nice culture benefits, or perhaps America - with their staunch history of blah blah blah. Forget that shit. The only one you should pick is England. And here's why.

1 - england ftw

(This is the flag of Britain.)


England has and will always be the most powerful civilization. There are several reasons for this but because you live in a former British colony you're not smart enough to understand them. So let me break it down for you.


1) Class.

2 - england ftw


Look at this motherfucker. Look into his eyes. This guy right here is the Duke of Wellington. He will fuck you up. But only after taking afternoon tea in the company of fine ladies and the gentle, upper-class intelligentsia.

He was so good at military command that he had time to invent a new type of boot so that he wouldn't sully himself in the mud of the battlefield. And look at his shirt. All red because fuck camouflage, England is so good at war we actually have to dress up in the most conspicuous clothing ever just to give our enemies a fighting chance.

See, that's class.

Guerrilla tactics? Not in my army maggot. We don't even go to war before agreeing honourable terms of engagement. Which include arrangements for your colonization because, haha, you don't even have a fucking chance. Seriously, we're going to win. Bend over and take it.


2) Technology.

3 - england ftw


See that? That's London like a million years ago. When you idiots were still crawling around in mud huts we had fucking skycrapers and steam engines. We are the enlightened ones. You know the Victorian era? That was named after an English king, fuckers. Everything you take for granted in your entire goddam life we invented. And if we didn't invent it. We conquered the people who did.

We had computers in 1837, bitches. At that time America didn't even have roads and people fought over such primitive things like cattle or religion. Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He's on our money, we're so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don't have money.

When one hundred and fifty thousand Zulu warriors zerg rushed Rourke's Drift, one hundred Englishmen massacred them so hard we basically won the continent in one battle. Because we had guns, and they didn't. That's technology. Seriously, we fucked them up so hard it would have made that evening's newspaper, had we bothered to report it. We're modest like that, see. Have I covered class yet?


3) Culture


Listen to this. Listen to this and be afraid. Because an Englishman composed this at the request of King Edward. Because our enemies weren't terrified enough, and war was becoming too boring for us, what with our impeccable thirty for nought record.

If you think that choosing some generic war-mongering race in Civilization V like the Aztecs or the Greeks can even encapsulate one millionth of the fury that the English have unleashed upon this pitiful world than you are tragically mistaken. We made Alexander the Great look like Alexander the Mediocre.

What is English culture? English culture is your culture, because we own you. It is Shakespeare Milton and Keats. We're not only trendsetters, but we invented the word trendsetters, as well as every other word in this entire fucking post. In Civilization V, the English will attain a cultural victory so easily that we don't even need to rely upon golden ages or great people. Because we're never not in a golden age and every Englishman is great.


4) England

4 - england ftw



Don't you just hate those Nazis? Oh wait, that's right. They're all dead because of us. Yeah that's right, I'm Godwinning all up in this bitch. Why? Because I'm English and am therefore objectively better than you. I can do whatever the hell I want. And do.

Everything that is English is simply the pinnacle of human achievement, and this is represented accurately in Civilization V. We're all richer than you are. In better health. Our soldiers are better trained and when you fuck some war up you call us to sort out the mess. Because we have thousands of years of history of unfucking someone else's mess. You don't. Because you don't even have a thousand years of history.


You're envious of us. It's ok. We understand. It's perfectly normal. In the annals of human history we're pretty much top. Sure, those Ottomans stirred some shit, and those Egyptians had some nice monuments. But the bottom line is that the annals of history are written in English, not Egyptian.

You fawn over your minuscule successes like a child pleased at not shitting the bed. Meanwhile over in old Blighty, our God-race of immaculate human beings are busy building the world's first and only utopia. In England. Remember Henry, and William. Remember Elizabeth and the armada. Remember the thirteen colonies and the commonwealth. Remember the internet, and modern science. And industrialization. And the greatest poetry and sonnets, the best novels, the most beautiful art, the largest navies and most organized military. The most accomplished sportsmen, thinkers, philosophers, upper class geniuses that are simply better than you.

I know Civilization V is, to many extents, an abstraction of real life. But even if it contained one tenth fact then England will no doubt be so grotesquely overpowered that you gibbering morons will be screaming for a zero hour patch to remove the English from the game entirely. But that patch, sir. Oh that patch will never come. Sorry.




Now, anyone for tea?


GO Captain K.

Source: http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=128562

  • Math
  • September 27, 2010, 3:47 am
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Comments

  • 12

    u used the wrong flag! i now hate you for the rest of the day
    this is the real one!
    uk flag - england ftw

    • BEASTY
    • October 15, 2010, 11:05 am
    im so insulted by the faliure!!!
    - SkinnyBill October 16, 2010, 9:17 am
    I would of thought, with a post about England we'd need this flag?

    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:13 am
    doesnt look as good :P
    - BEASTY October 17, 2010, 4:36 am
    Be a gentlemen and concede defeat my good man ;)
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 12:16 pm
    i prefer the one with blue for some reason
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:17 am
    I thought the sky was blue ;)
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:19 am
    yes its light filtering through hydrogen molocules for 5-6 miles it looks blue
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:41 am
    You know what, I was never any good at science, thankyou for teaching me something :)
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:43 am
    your quite welcome :) i think its right but i did it 3 years ago in science :P so hopefully its right
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 7:48 am
    Pfft I've not done science since I left high school in 2008 and even then I didn't get it. I only got my marks because of coursework and understanding biology lol
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 7:52 am
    :P i have biology chemistry and physics all as seporate GCSE's and i leave school in may :) :D
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 8:05 am
    Jeez, you're doing better than me, I did double science and got an A and a B, but the exam was multiple choice so I guess it was kind an easy grade :P
    - SuDoku October 18, 2010, 8:07 am
    lol i got a A on average in physics and B's in chem and bio
    - BEASTY October 18, 2010, 8:30 am
  • 8

    I love this post :)

    English FTW!

    • SuDoku
    • September 27, 2010, 10:47 am
  • 5

    trolololol - england ftw


    ---
    Speaking of, you know that Darwin guy that invented atheism? One of ours. He's on our money, we're so god damned smart. Is he on your money? Nope. Cause you don't have money.
    ---
    I liked this part :D

    Note: Being atheist procludes being "god damned" anything - there is no god.
    - GarnStickit October 17, 2010, 9:38 pm
  • 5

    Just one little thing... the Victorian era was named after the queen, Victoria, not the king. But great post though! :P

  • 4

    Haha, well played :P
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:11 am
    haha, nobody gives a shit :)
    - Goober October 17, 2010, 1:22 pm
  • 3

    I think I'll pop down to Pemberly estate and have a cup of tea with Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Afterwards, I shall head to Kent, and the awe inspiring residence of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

  • 3

    I'm starting to thing everyone on sharenator are crazy internet war addicts. I don't give a s*$t who has the best country/continent i just want to look at funny crap about squirrel's throwing up and junk like that.

    • hightec
    • October 16, 2010, 8:29 am
    If you read the text though, it is just a massive piss take, and is really quite funny if you look at it in the right way. It's like footy (soccer) there's always going to be banter between rival fans, and it's the same with countries, it's just a joke lol.
    - SuDoku October 17, 2010, 1:03 am
  • 2

    I know this'll get voted down straight away by people who won't even bother to read it!

    • Math
    • September 27, 2010, 4:14 am
    why would people even do that any ways?
    - gamma935 September 27, 2010, 10:22 am
  • 2

    Oh Math , I still love you buddy. "intelligentsia" FTW !!!!

  • 2

    FuHucking EPIC Math!
    FTW, Who Invented Humans Bitches?!
    wait... Shit... Erm.... Shakespear... Errmmm, Royal Marines, Phew... Saved :D +!,000,000 (Yeah I Can Do That 'Cos I'm British and Not Only British But ENGLISH!)

  • 2

    lolz plus 3 btw im american

  • 2

    WOO ENGLAND!
    also, thats a nice pic of Dover Castle you got there :D

    I wondered which one it was! If it's south of Nottingham I'm not that clued up due to being a bit ignorant of the South.
    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:26 am
    Ehh.... white cliffs = dover.
    - SkinnyBill October 16, 2010, 9:52 am
    Well f@#k me backwards! Only just noticed them!!
    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:58 am
  • 2

    This is fucking heroic. I downloaded Civ 5 weeks ago and have never played it, is it any good?

    • Dannyl
    • October 18, 2010, 6:26 am
  • 1

    Cept egypt has the fastest build rate for wonders AKA they make more money can produce units faster and whup everyone's asses

    Did you know that Cleopatra was alive closer to the moon landings than to the first pyramid being built?!?!?
    - Math October 16, 2010, 12:47 am
    so
    - Tremp20k October 16, 2010, 2:49 am
    Just a random fact back at you!
    - Math October 16, 2010, 4:40 am
    He was talking about the game-Civilization V.
    - Jozzoh October 16, 2010, 8:42 pm
    Yeah I knew that!
    - Math October 17, 2010, 12:45 am
  • 1

    Last time I checked, Australia was not only ranked the second-best country in the world overall (second to France), but also raping the commonwealth games :D

    UK pulls in at No. 25 :P

    http://www1.internationalliving.com/qofl2010/

    Plus England cost Jacky Pearson her gold medal because they had a bitch to the judges in the 100 m sprint.
    - Jozzoh October 16, 2010, 1:13 am
    yeah!
    - Jackylegs October 16, 2010, 1:23 am
  • 1

    lol we pulled your dicks out of the fire in ww1 and 2 not to mention that little incident where we kicked england's ass in the 1700's. And we totally have you guys over technology because we have, the cotton gin, morse code, the telegraph, ether used for anesthesia,hand cranked machine gun (civil war), refrigerator train cars to transport bacon without it going bad, phonograph, fully automatic machine gun (upgrade from hand crank)and those are just a few from 1717 to 1889.

    Whilst you were all busy doing that we burned the White House down!


    - Math October 16, 2010, 9:49 am
    have a Penguin math
    - triclebickle October 16, 2010, 10:17 am
    - Math October 16, 2010, 10:22 am
    indeed
    - triclebickle October 16, 2010, 10:32 am
    The Gatling gun
    - Reddeath195 December 14, 2010, 8:43 pm
    nuff said
    - triclebickle December 15, 2010, 4:29 am
    Just one little point, who were the ones who invented your little country? The british. So technically, we invented all that. Nyeh to you
    - JonnymusPrime December 15, 2010, 5:52 am
    well who rebelled and whooped yall's asses ugh we did so no technicality, why are we getting into this again
    - triclebickle December 15, 2010, 12:41 pm
    we burned down the white house? ok. well we rebuilt it and we also got our FREEDOM.
    - johnecash December 15, 2010, 1:04 pm
    - Reddeath195 December 16, 2010, 7:08 am
    She is not perfect, but I feel she is the best there is.
    - johnecash December 16, 2010, 7:12 am
    Agreed sir agreed
    - Reddeath195 December 16, 2010, 7:33 am
  • 1

    I would love a cup of tea.

    Would you like some stereotype with that?
    - miketehpope December 16, 2010, 7:45 am
  • 1

    You, sir, have insulted the proud British race. The Victorian era was named after a queen. Not a king. Furthermore, your grammar abhors me. Toodle-pip!

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