Just to clarify, this is a joke.

Picture it now, rolling hillsides covered in an ethereal haze, with vast forests painted the deepest of greens. This is England.

english countryside

Is this not the epitome of near indescribable beauty? Is this not the land of awesome? England, to put it simply, is a concentrated dose of mind-boggling intensity that no country can parallel.

beckham - england

You see this man? This, sir or madam, is David Beckham. He is England’s modern man. Just look at that steely one thousand-yard stare, or the definition of his rugged jawline. If he asked to sleep with your wife, you would say yes.

nelson - england

And who’s this lad, I hear you ask. This, is Lord Admiral Horatio Viscount Nelson I. With a name like that, it’s no wonder that he was raking in the gash. It was even said that if women went within a 300 yard radius of him, they risked pregnancy. That is potency.

dictionary - england

There’s also the small matter of the English language. Yeah, the one which 27% of the world posses the ability to speak. What’s that America? Sorry I can’t understand you? Yes, you don’t have you’re own language and, sadly, you have degraded ours. But that’s ok, because we still have words like ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’, ‘floccinaucinihilipilification’ and ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’. Suck on that.

football - england

Ah, yes, football. Not soccer. Football. The greatest game ever invented in the history of the world – fact. Now, while some may choose to contest this, calling it a game for ‘sissies’, in it’s earlier years, to play football was to risk one’s life. Pitches spanned entire cities and people would be crushed in the melee as hundreds of people on either team competed to win. But what about America’s past time, that of ‘baseball’? Yeah, we invented that too.

bayeux tapestry

Now for the matter of history. In England’s span of existence, lasting over 2,000 years, it has seen the rise and fall of many an empire, and yet it has been invaded… four times. We, on the other hand, have invaded in excess of 200 countries. The remnants of our once dominant empire can still be seen today, with countries such as New Zealand, Australia and even Canada still recognising our queen as their own.

queen - england

To conclude, England is the superlative form of all countries. We not only took part in history, but we made it, continuing to do so. And, we generalised tea. FUCK YEAH!