Chapter One of my book "Born Anew". Critique anyone?

Sorry if it's a bit choppy, it's my first attempt at an actual story. Please post opinions, suggestions, or just comments.
Also sorry about the spacing, MS Word format doesn't like to play nice with Sharenator.
(edit) Finally found the link so you can read it in it's not stupid form.

Born Anew

(EDIT) I've done a complete(mostly complete) overhaul on my story.

Born Anew

The humans lost their claim to earth because of their choices; they chose to ignore the earth and what they were doing to it. When the changes became more noticeable they refused to claim responsibility for their actions, they blamed everyone but themselves.
The government blamed the people, the people blamed the government, the people rebelled; the rebellion led to the war which consumed the earth.
They fought a losing battle, the machines they created were unstable; they programmed them to kill, nothing else. They destroyed everything, they polluted the air and water, plant-life became scarce, and their food, once abundant in this great land was gone.
In the wake of the war only rubble, metal husks, and death remained.
But with the fall of the human race came a new hope, the world began anew. Soon plants were found growing in once barren grounds, cities were reclaimed by the wilderness, and the few humans that were left began to change.
They became something entirely new, they grew fur, and claws, but instead of becoming animals something truly unique happened, they retained their humanity, their morals, their ideals, and developed, a profound sense of the world around them. They cared for the world the way humans never did.
This is where our story begins.

Chapter 1
New Beginnings
When Naraki enters the clearing, he is aware of a soft breeze blowing softly through his fur. He distantly remembers something important, but he pushes the thought away, he needs to see what is on the other side of the clearing.
He hears a soft cry in the thick foliage, but as he approaches it stops. He ponders it for a moment before continuing, but as he tries to push his way through the undergrowth he hears something; he stops and listened for a moment before dismissing it and continuing, but then he hears it again, louder this time,
He remembers again that he is forgetting something important. The voice says his name again, this time he recognizes the voice as Inari’s.
Naraki awakes to Inari, his muzzle barely a millimeter away from his own.
“Boy, are you a heavy sleeper, I’ve trying to wake you up for like five minutes.” Inari says trying to hide a grin.
Naraki swipes his paw at Inari’s head; he jerks his head back and laughs.
“If you don’t wipe that smile of your muzzle I’ll knock it off.” Naraki says, failing to hide the smile slowly spreading across his face.
Inari never failed to put him in a good mood.
Naraki and Inari are very similar. They’re both fairly tall, about six foot, and both have the same grey shaggy fur, and long muzzle. One of the only discernable differences is their eyes. While Naraki has blue eyes that always seem to be asking silent questions; Inari’s are like a lake which seems to have no bottom, always listening.
Another is the difference in their attitudes. Naraki is easy-going and likes to do things the slow way. Inari on the other hand gets things done fast and right.
“Inari, what is it you came here to tell me?” Naraki asks.
“Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot. Your mom told me to come and get you; she wants you to meet her in the meadow.”
“Okay.” Naraki says.
He gets out of his bed and walks into the other room, while he was waiting Inari took a moment to survey the room; next to Naraki’s bed is a night stand covered in nick-knacks and trinkets of every shape and size. The walls like almost everything else in the room are covered in the same fashion. Inari is so engrossed in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice Naraki enter the room. Naraki had changed from the pair of pajama pants to a pair of tan cargo shorts and an “I’m with stupid” tee-shirt.
“You’re wearing that?” Inari says with a look of disgust.
“Yeah, I am. What’s wrong with it?” Naraki shoots back.
“It’s a little, well, retro, don’t you think?”
“Well maybe a little, but I like the way it fits.”
Inari gives the shirt another look before shrugging and walking toward the door.
“Whatever dude, let’s go.”
As they walk out the Naraki surveys the sun, he judges it to be about mid-morning. He takes a quick look around and notices the campfire from the previous night’s meal. With that thought his stomach growls. Pushing all thoughts of food aside for the moment he quickens his pace to catch up with Inari who gained a considerable lead on him as he was lost in thought.
Naraki is lost in thought when Inari speaks; his ears prick up as he realizes Inari is talking about a sword he bought.
“Where did you get a sword?” Naraki asks, suddenly curious. “I’ve always wanted one, but when my dad died mom told me I couldn’t get one until I was old enough to handle the responsibility.”
“Besides that,” Naraki says, “I thought you mom wouldn’t buy you one.
“She wouldn’t.” Inari replies. “That’s why I bought it myself.”
“Where’d you get the stuff to trade for it?”
“I found one of those gold time-telling things that go on your wrist.”
“You mean a watch?” Naraki replies.
“Yeah, that’s it. I found it buried under some tree roots by my house.” Inari says. “Now all you have to do is get a sword and we can finally spar together.”
“I don’t see that happening too soon.” Says Naraki sadly, “I don’t have anything to trade, and I’m never lucky enough to find valuable stuff on the ground.”
As they approach the meadow Naraki’s thoughts of swords are replaced by worry as Inari says.
“Hurry, your mom won’t be happy, we took too long already.”
“Why are we in such a big hurry anyway?” Naraki starts to say, but he is cut off by the shouts of his friends and family; as he looks around he notices the tables of food around the clearing and the banners hanging from the trees. He slaps his paw to his forehead as he remembers what he had been forgetting; it is his birthday today. Today he turned fifteen and he had forgotten, he silently curses himself. He isn’t given much time to prepare for the onslaught of hugs and handshakes from his family and friends. In spite of himself he begins to enjoy the company.
After the initial excitement of the party calmed down, his mother approached him; her name is Claire. She looks a lot like her son, same eyes, same fur, and the same pondering eyes. She is wearing a flowing green dress covered in silk laces. Her long flowing Auburn hair was let down out of its usual tightly woven bun. She is holding a long oak box carved with intricate pictures of trees and nature; she places the box into his waiting paws.
“Thanks mom.” he says in a choked voice, struggling to hold back his tears.
“Open it.” She says as she lets go.
He struggles with the small latch for a moment before getting the box open, this time he fails to keep the tears from flowing down his cheeks; inside is a sword, it has a plain leather scabbard and an unadorned hilt, but as he pulls the sword free he can feel the perfect balance of it, as if it is made just for him. The last time he had held a sword was the week before his father had died.
His father had been teaching him basic swordsmanship when he was killed by bandits on his way home from hunting, when he received the news Naraki was crushed. Letting the thought go he clips the scabbard to his belt and re-sheaths his sword; he lets out a loud laugh, tears still streaming down his muzzle, and jumps into his mother’s arms.
“Thank you mom, you’re the best.” He said.
His mother lets him go and wipes away his tears. She gives him a kiss on the forehead before turning to face the crowd that had gathered around them. She takes a step forward and says in a voice that carries to all ears,
“Let the Feast begin!”
Naraki receives countless gifts from his friends and family, but none came close to matching the gift from his mother. After the feast ended and everybody gave their goodbyes and wishes for good luck; Naraki, his mother, and Inari start the walk home. Inari’s mother had left the party early. The trip is taken in a comfortable silence; as they reached Inari’s house Naraki gives him a smile and says,
“How about we spar in the meadow tomorrow?”
“That sounds like a plan to me.” Inari replies happily, “I’ll see you at noon.” with that Inari walks into his home giving a final wave before closing the door.
Naraki and his mother walk the rest of the short distance to their little thatched hut, the same kind everybody else in the village used. They could use some of the buildings left behind by the humans, but it never felt right. They preferred the woods, the feeling of the grass under their paws, and the endless blue sky over their heads. Their connection with nature is what kept them from inhabiting the buildings left behind.
When they get home it’s after dark; Naraki gives his mom another hug before heading to bed. He sits awake for a while, going over the events of the day, but eventually he drifts off to sleep.
He is walking through the clearing again, he can feel the soft grass under his paws and the wind in his fur. This time however he doesn’t hesitate when he hears the cry through the undergrowth. He pushes his way through, following the soft cries. As he gets closer, the thorns and vines seeming to move to bar his way, the branches grabbing at his clothes.
He pushes his way through the seemingly endless forest. He is about to give up when he bursts through into another clearing, this one smaller. All around the knotted, scraggily trees seem to lean in; creating a shaded dome, in the middle was a strange being he hadn’t noticed upon entering the clearing. It looks like a small pup, but instead of fur it has pinkish skin, like when Inari had burned off some of his fur the summer before. It looks like a female, she has small rounded ears on the sides of her head and on her paws she doesn’t have pads or claws.
She must be a human, he thinks, remembering the stories his mother had told him when he was just a small pup. Along with the memories of his mother came those of the hateful comments the elders of his village always had ready when the subject of humans arose. They despised what the humans had done.
Naraki never said anything, but he had a higher opinion of humans, he believed they had made mistakes, everyone does, but that doesn’t make them evil.
He sniffs the air; the small girl has a funny smell, like a house that has been closed for too long. He proceeds slowly, but she showed no notice of his approach.
He closes the last of the distance and kneels next to her.
“Are you alright?” He asks the girl in a soothing voice. But still she takes no notice. He lays his paw on her shoulder, but before he can begin inquiring further the ground begins to shake, trees start toppling over, mere inches from where they sit. He grabs the girl off the ground, and begins to run, hurtling rocks and fallen trees as he goes. She looks around, startled, tears still glistening or her cheeks. She looks up into his eyes and tries to talk. He cannot tell what she is saying but has no time to stop and listen so he continues to run.
Naraki jolts awake suddenly, the panic from his dream still fresh in his mind, and looks around; out of his window the sun is just cresting the horizon. He begins to breathe easier as he realizes it was just a dream.
The relief isn’t long lived however, he smells smoke; it wasn’t the usual smell of wood burning to heat the morning’s meal, it’s heavy, thick smoke, the smell of thatch and burning plastic. He springs out of his bed and throws on his hunting jerkin and camouflage pants; strapping on his sword he runs out the door. The sight of Inari’s house in flames catches him by surprise. He stands in shock for a moment before sprinting to his friend’s aid, he is less than a hundred yards away now and the heat is already unbearable.
He swerves to the left and leaps behind the nearest tree, shielding the worst of the heat from him. Thoughts of Inari and his mother race through his mind. He is about to head for the house again when he hears a small sound in the bushes to his left.
Naraki lets out a sigh of relief as Inari and his mother Lillian emerge from the bushes.
“Thank god you’re okay!” Naraki cries. “What happened here?”
Lillian doesn’t answer; she stares, dumbfounded as her home burns to the ground.
It was Inari who finally answers the question.
“Bandits,” he says, “They came in early this morning. I woke up when I heard the noise from my room. They took everything and torched the house. We barely got out alive.”
Naraki sits in silence, deep in thought. Inari waits until he speaks.
“Inari,” he says, “We’re going to track them down and get your stuff back, we can’t let them get away with this. Did they take your sword?”
“No, I always keep it with me.” He replies promptly.
“Okay, good. Let’s get ready and go, there’s no time to waste, you can borrow some of my clothes. We have some bandits to catch.”

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  • 2

    this needs more cowbell

    agreed... but otherwise very good. keep it up and post the whole thing when you're done. i expect no less than 10 chapters.
    - MIKYTEY March 18, 2011, 11:14 pm
  • 2

    Thanks for your opinions. I'll post it on here as it's completed. thanks guys, and ladies of course.

  • 1

    Who are you? o.o

    That depends. Why do you want to know?
    - FurryLegend March 20, 2011, 12:10 pm
    Idk, I've just never heard of you before.
    You new to Sharenator? o.o
    - HeartlessAngel March 20, 2011, 10:32 pm
    Fairly, I have a couple of other posts, plus I'm on here a lot anyway. But all in all it's nice to make your acquaintance.
    - FurryLegend March 21, 2011, 3:29 am
    It;s nice to meet you too.
    I see you like furrys :P
    - HeartlessAngel March 21, 2011, 10:10 pm
    That's good. Usually people don't.
    - FurryLegend March 22, 2011, 3:19 am
    I think they're kinda cute :D
    - HeartlessAngel March 22, 2011, 9:09 pm
    Haha, nice. That's what I like to hear.
    - FurryLegend March 23, 2011, 7:40 am
  • 1

    Looking good so far buddy. Keep up the good work :)

  • 1

    very good so far, comrade. you just need to separate sentences with periods instead of having like three commas in one sentence. a website you might like for help on your story is
    i used to use it but the owner kinda kicked me off for not using proper etakit becuase i had just started texting on my phone and i used text-talk too much, but he seems cool, so best of luck!

    • boomer
    • March 18, 2011, 5:51 pm
  • 1

    I totally thought your novel was gonna go something like this.

    I was dissapointed :(

  • 1

    I only read the prologue, because reading makes me sad. but you seem to be an awesome writter, you're very good with words and expressing ideas, a lot better then I am any how. keep on keepin on my friend, I'll watch the movie if they ever make one out of it :p kinda sounds like avatar meets planets of the apes, with the whole caring for the environment and the end of the world...

  • 1

    I think it needs more cat :p
    But still you're a great writer and if your would ever come to Iceland I would totally buy it! (assuming i would have any money for it :3 )

    That's good to know. Although, there's still quite a bit of work to do.
    - FurryLegend March 20, 2011, 12:47 pm
    Well hurry XD
    - Icelandgirly March 20, 2011, 12:52 pm
  • 1

    Did a lot of editing last night. No new chapters out yet, just an overhaul of the first.

  • 1

    To be honest, tl;dr. If I'm bored one day I might consider taking the time to read it.

  • 1

    It's very good from what I've read but my only problem with it is that the wording seems almost to simple. you don't go into much detail on the characters and give a full physical description which is ok for some books but in this case not so much. This is only because you are trying to create a new species here if they were human then less detail could be acceptable. also try and give more detail into what they are thinking not simply go have them talking and say "okay". Expand on what he's saying. Give more detail to what he is saying and in his surroundings and interactions. Thats how you capture and keep the audiences attention. Sorry just so you know I'm not trying to be mean or anything I'm just giving you the best possible advice I can. It's a great start but it defiantly needs more work. I give you credit for posting this though and asking for advice.

    P.S the prologue was amazing keep that exactly how it is. It's absolutely great.

    Thanks, I know your not being mean, it's constructive criticism. I'll try my best to improve. I'm a pretty terrible writer so don't let your hopes get up too far.
    - FurryLegend March 22, 2011, 10:27 am
    Your not a terrible writer your just in the beginning stages of your novel. It's a very interesting idea and I would love to read it once your done. Just remember to expand a bit more on the surroundings and characters. In my opinion the first chapter or any chapter that is introducing characters for that matter should be some of the longer ones in the book.
    - 24paperwings March 22, 2011, 11:40 am
    If you say so. I'll just keep trying I suppose, I'll let you know when I'm done.
    - FurryLegend March 22, 2011, 2:39 pm
  • 1

    epic it's comeing better along then my book

  • 1

    Awesome! You're a good writer. Although, what comes with a compliment, goes with critique.

    - Make more of a "hook" in the beginning. It actually works.
    - When writing, add more detail, it helps the writer really picture it the way you wrote it.
    - Work on the tense in which you write your words. "When Naraki enters the clearing, he is aware" Instead of saying things like "enters" try "entered". You'd be surprised, it makes the story a lot more attractive to the reader, and it also makes it easier to read. Good job on the 3rd person though, not a lot of people can really capture a character like that.
    - The first paragraph in the first chapter should be the most interesting group of words you've ever created in your entire lifetime. Otherwise, nobody will want to read it, no matter how good the story actually is. Include a lot of mystery and foreshadowing. Mention one or two charactes, then introduce them halfway through the story. It keeps 'em wondering.

    But anyways, good job. :) +3

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