Best Craigslist Break-up Letter

For My Punk Ass Ex-Boyfriend (West Coast/East Coast)
Date: 2010-08-04, 3:56PM EDT
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Dear Loser,

This notice will serve as written verification that I am over your wack ass! Please keep a copy of this letter for your records in the event you need a refresher as to why I have left you the fuck alone. The fact that you still call my phone, send me text messages and reference pics and special moments and most recently threatening to show up at my job or home if I don’t respond to you despite me NOT responding to you for about a month and a half has my head spinning and my friends think your really a retarded kid in a grown mans ---well a little boys body. Don’t worry I stuck up for you and told them your just retarded and over the years your head has actually…kinda caught up with the rest of your body!

Please see statements below and fuck off.

When I met you my self esteem was a tad bit low. Therefore, I initially lowered my standards to date you. You were vertically challenged, ugly, dressed like you just came out of jail and had the worse dating etiquette I have seen to date. Unfortunately for me….I’m a caregiver by nature compelled to take care of my man as I would want him to do for me and I was indeed sucked into feeling sorry for you in your world of flustered sentences,10 minute sex, your failed attempt to use a penis enhancement tool and overall lack of education. I sacrificed having orgasms for the entire time we were together all because I was trying NOT to be superficial and I decided to actually date someone NOT based on looks or what they had. However, TODAY…thanks to you I say FUCK THAT! I’m dating people who are fuckin hot, speak clearly with established careers, have sense of fuckin style and appreciate a ride or die, go-getter, entrepreneurial woman like myself! I could give two shits about their personality in the end that’s all you had and look where it got me! You’re a level 5 stalker!!

Your poor use of the English language has led me to believe you rode the short bus to school or at least ran along side it each day. The fact that you still can’t say words that have ‘ous’ in them still behooves me. I think you’re an idiot with an IQ of a squirrel because the one thing you always knew how to do was get a nut!

Despite me taking you under my stylish educated wing, upgrading your wack ass, writing your resume, looking for jobs and attempting to make you into a decent man you still managed to be dishonest and chose to shake that little stump you call a dick around town to uneducated, dirty ESL round’ the way girls with little or no ambition to work except hustling you for $30-40 every time you stopped by to the fuck em….Seriously?! If your gunna pay for pussy you could have at least paid me…I put in work with that shit-damn sausage link you had and actually gave you the fuckin confidence to go out and shake that thang at other woman!! After fucking you I deserved an Employee of The Month plaque with a parking space…Or at least an Oscar nod for best actress in a dramatic role throughout our fucked up relationship.

Thanks to your infidelities, lies and inadequate ambiguous non-existent sex life I have created a bucket list of the many sexual desires I want to explore with a man that can handle my ass and appreciate the bad ass, sex kitten I am and fuck me well to show his appreciation for your fuck up which can be his good fuckin fortune since you had no idea what to do to me or how to fuckin do it, despite my tutorial around my body and every orifice! And….As much as I love giving head I had NO CHOICE to do it to you as a preference since it was the only way I could actually control your premature ejaculation and it was the only way I could actually feel you. I hope you remember those humiliating experiences of me making you scream, squirm and beg me “NOT AGAIN I’m tired” like a bitch as a fond parting gift! I need a man that makes ME tired for once and not that sissy-ass shit I was getting from you.

To all of your friends and family that had sided with your bitch ass after hearing half the fuckin story as to why we aren’t together…I say this to you guys….Who gives a hot shit!!! Just be glad you don’t have to be subjected to my snarky-back handed compliments and cheap shots at him anymore. You’re all good people that were simply misinformed by the little guy. I have attempted on several occasions to tell your loser friend/brother that I wish him well and hopes he finds happiness and I mean it! Little dick guys with speech impediments that are vertically challenged need luv too!!!


Your sexy, foul-mouthed ex-girlfriend

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  • 3

    ok someone had to have made a response to this find it and post it

    I am in Baltimore and this was in the rants and raves section here. I would love to have seen a reply to this. I am sure it was freakin hysterical.
    - willwhite007 October 18, 2010, 10:07 am
    keep your eyes peeled btw PATS GOT REVENGE SUNDAY WHOOO
    - Tremp20k October 18, 2010, 10:09 am
    that shit was hard to watch. Going into 4th quarter with a 10 point lead, only to see them move down the field like that was BRUTAL !!! I knew that we were going to lose when Cam Cameron kept calling running plays. The Pats had our run plays down cold. Its tough going into New England and winning !
    - willwhite007 October 18, 2010, 10:13 am
    u think it was hard watching the past year and a hlaf of failing on third down for defense against offenses my friends and family couldnt sit down during OT
    - Tremp20k October 18, 2010, 10:16 am
    LOL - we were right there with you standing during OT ! it was a really great game , and y'all definitely deserved the W
    - willwhite007 October 18, 2010, 10:22 am
    you could see reed ready to knock out a bacup steal his pads and jump into the game lol
    - Tremp20k October 18, 2010, 10:43 am
  • 2

    I want to be her when I grow up.

  • 1

    Pics of this chick or I don't care ;-p

  • 1

    Sexy foul-mouthed ex-girlfriend definitely deserves an Oscar

  • 1

    well if she calls him stupid he really must be because she don't know the english language either. *you're, *gonna(going to), *thing .... and so on
    Also she kinda sounds like a bitch

    • Vans
    • March 20, 2012, 10:38 pm
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