Baseball Sex

The Baseball Guide to Sex

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

* First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

* Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

* Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

* Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

* On Deck - Having plans for a date
* Strike-Out - Duh!!
* Walk - Kissing
* Bunt - Masturbation
* Single - Tongue kissing
* Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
* Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
* Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
* Home Run - SEX!
* Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
* Error - Condom breaks during sex
* Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
* Hall of Fame - Marriage
* Balk - Premature ejaculation
* Pine Tar - KY jelly
* Relief pitcher - Vibrator
* Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
* Box Seats - Waterbed
* Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
* Rookie - Virgin
* Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
* Minor Leagues - Under 18
* Loaded Bases - manage a trois
* Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
* Foul tip - VD
* Three up and three down - impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

* OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

* NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

* NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.

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  • 3

    SWITCH HITTER... o.0

  • 1

    only ever first base :(

    • BEASTY
    • September 20, 2010, 1:33 pm
    give it time beasty give it time.
    - triclebickle October 31, 2010, 9:33 pm
    Yea college is basically the shit. I literally was just making out with a girl and remembered i have a paper to write. Im hitting an inside the park home run as i type this
    - WhatTheSpence October 31, 2010, 10:21 pm
    everyone on this site envies you lol
    - BEASTY November 1, 2010, 6:47 am
    lol been there and its good
    - triclebickle November 1, 2010, 2:23 pm
    I know, and it makes me happy
    - WhatTheSpence November 2, 2010, 8:48 am
  • 1

    The post icon made me happy. The post content, just text, made me sad.

    • Dannyl
    • September 21, 2010, 6:04 am
  • 1

    :o ...still a rookie :/ oh well i'll get there

    • gemie89
    • September 22, 2010, 5:26 pm
  • 1

    hmm...I wonder about some other baseball terms and what they would be. No hitter. well that ones obvious. But what about charging the mound? pop up? grounder?

    pop up = She's actually a man
    grounder = premature ejaculation.
    - Jackylegs December 9, 2010, 8:26 pm
  • 1

    I'm still a rookie. Some people think tend to think i'm gay because i'm a junior in high school and I've never had a single girlfriend. But we can't all be stunningly attractive. So I just deal with the fact that i'm unattractive and go about my life.

    Dude its cool. I've been called a lesbian for the last three years. I'm straight. I only have 1 friend and shes leaving soon :( We're all feeling that way at some point
    - Pyutchy8011 November 1, 2010, 1:05 pm
  • 1

    1st - Kissing with tongues
    2nd - Handjob or fingering
    3rd - Oral
    4th - Sex

    It's not 4th it's home.
    - buddyfoeva October 28, 2010, 6:23 pm
    I am ENGLISH I can do whatever the fuck I want because we are the best goddamn nation ever to grace the earth with our presence. Thanks for the heads up. ;-)
    - Clarkie101 October 29, 2010, 6:35 am
    Ha I really don't think any nation can say they are the best, and no problem lmao.
    - buddyfoeva October 29, 2010, 1:00 pm
    Ha, thanks. I was just jokin'.
    - Clarkie101 October 29, 2010, 1:28 pm
  • 1

    unfortuantely i hit a home run 3 weeks a go...

    unfortunately? why would you say that lol. Most people are happy about that
    - buddyfoeva October 28, 2010, 7:03 pm
    im 16 =/
    - xxkisamexx October 29, 2010, 2:41 am
    M8, go out an flaunt it, be like 'I put my doo-doo in a girls cha-cha'. Everyone will be like 'whoa'.
    - Clarkie101 October 29, 2010, 6:36 am
    so what if your 16? girl? boy? whats wrong with doing it?
    - buddyfoeva October 31, 2010, 9:24 pm
    hey when i was 16 i was proud of the tail i got it made me feel accomplished.
    - triclebickle October 31, 2010, 9:35 pm
    i was also 16 for my first home run. OHHH YEAAAAAH
    - poopiteepoop November 1, 2010, 2:17 am
    im a boy lolz i was tryin to be abstinent...until i turned 17 lolz but hey when the time comes u gotta take it right =)
    - xxkisamexx November 1, 2010, 12:47 pm
  • 1

    fuck im getting old lol im in my 20's and i feel old what the hell man im gunna have a mid life crisis when i hit 36 and its all because this post made me think back to my high school years when even then i felt old.

  • 1

    Cricket only has two!

    That's because cricket's shit.
    Just sayin'.
    - Jackylegs December 9, 2010, 8:28 pm
  • 1

    pretty funny

    • peace
    • December 26, 2010, 2:02 pm
  • 0


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