8 Kinds of Drug Dealers
1. The One Who Wants to Be Your Friend
He’s a master of entrapment. Trying to break free of his sticky weed-web will only get you further entangled. He’ll do anything to hang out with you, even if it means locking the door and making bagel bites. You say to yourself, “alright, maybe this one time.” It’s hard to say no, but you know you can’t be seen with this guy. He’s a f***ing drug dealer.
Tagline: “You and I make a good team. We should hang out more!”
2. The Late One
You called him three hours ago. He’s still not here. You’re friends are getting antsy and the Death Cab show starts in 45 minutes. All drug dealers have a skewed concept of time, but this species is particularly out of sync with the rest of the world. He’ll get you your product, but say goodbye to any movie previews or opening bands you were planning on seeing.
Tagline: “I’ll be there in five minutes”.
3. Earthy One
Rather than living by the code of the traditional drug dealer, the earthy one believes he’s doing you a service in the name of mother nature. Aside from taking his job a little too seriously, he’ll be totally useless after the transaction, unless you have any interest in learning about the fungus that he’s cultivating in his dreads.
Tagline:”I mean, how are you going to get any closer to gaya without it?”
4. The Sketchy One
Suddenly, you’re wondering if you should be buying drugs from this guy. He’s spilling shit everywhere, he talks too loud, and he clearly hasn’t heard the term “never get high on your own supply.” Turn off your cell phone around this guy, the Drug and Firearms officials could be listening.
Tagline: “Shit! Everything is totally fucked, dude!”
5. The Girl
She’s hot. She’s in charge. She sells you drugs. All sorts of conflicting feelings are coursing through your veins. She transports weed in places that none of your other male dealers could…like her purse. It takes you three visits to realize she’s totally not into you and she’s a damn good saleswoman.
Tagline: “Baby, I know $150 for an eighth sounds expensive…”
6. The Entrepreneur
You’re going to college so you can sit in an office someday and get a paycheck. He’s selling drugs so he can…uh… sell drugs for the rest of his life. This guy has more gadgets than James Bond and his utility belt puts Batman to shame. He takes himself so seriously that he’s pretty sure someone will make of movie of his life if they aren’t already. His favorite movie is Blow, eventhough he’s never seen it all the way through.
Tagline: “I’ve got to call you back, my other Blackberry is ringing.”
7. The One You Really Shouldn’t Be Buying Drugs From
This includes but is not limited to: family members, friend’s family members, police officers, children, Quiznos employees, hockey players, creatures of ancient lore and people in suits. These are the people that your conscience has a serious problem with; but it’s late and you’re desperate, so you dive into that moral grey area head first. You’ll regret it the next day, or the next time you order a bacon cheddar ranch sandwich.
Tagline: “Make sure you don’t forget, Aunt Janets’s birthday is the 14th.”
8. The One Who’s Out of Your League
The entrance to this guy’s house has a few too many unnecessary roman columns and/or marble fountains. His sports cars are fanned out in front of his compound like he’s filming an episode of MTV Cribs. There are multiple scary dogs at the front door and just as many scary people in suits at attention. He laughs when you say how much you want to buy, no matter how much it is. He deals drugs out of metal briefcases and wears bathrobes everywhere. This man is known around town as a”force”. He is way out of your league. He usually sells white and brown drugs and eats the green ones for breakfast.
Tagline: “Hello my friend. I apologize for the strip search, but a man of my status can never be too careful.”