50 Things That Should Not Exist

1. Headaches.
2. Stupid, uncomfortable chairs.
3. People who sharpen their pencils slowly.
4. Stores that check your receipt as you exit, making you feel like a criminal.
5. Mean cats.
6. Soft Jazz.
7. People who cut paper slowly.
8. Disease.
9. Big scary bugs with many legs.
10. Tuna salad with celery.
11. Celery.
12. Food service employees who assume that when you said, “No tomatoes,” you were lying.
13. Mysterious sticky spots on desks.
14. Mysterious warm sections in pools.
15. The phrase, “We need to give it 110%.”
16. Long sales receipts that include a code at the bottom for an online survey, that, when completed, will enter you for a chance to win a gift card. (We never win, and yet we always get our hopes up.)
17. Blisters on the back of the ankle caused by new shoes.
18. Parody versions of the Happy Birthday Song.
19. Grass (Because you’d think by now it would have evolved and learned that if it grows, it will get mowed.)
20. Facial hair (For the same reason as grass.)
21. Tiny cups of coleslaw served at diners.
22. Remakes of bad horror movies.
23. Back-of-the-knee sweat.
24. Greeting cards with glitter.
25. Televised poker.
26. Splinters.
27. Wheat Pennies and Bicentennial Quarters (Because we never know if it’s OK to spend them, or if we should save them.)
28. Wisdom teeth.
29. The Hills on MTV.
30. Poverty.
31. Fluctuating speed limits on long stretches of heavily patrolled road.
32. Popped collars.
33. People with tattoos written in a language that they cannot speak.
34. Hurricanes.
35. Teachers with coffee breath.
36. Ziggy comic strips.
37. DVD commentaries in which the commentators simply describe what is happening on the screen while congratulating themselves. (E.G. “OK, so then he’s going to pick up the phone. This is such a great scene. Now, he’s going to say something.”)
38. Racism.
39. Park benches that are still wet from the storm that came through about two hours ago.
40. Anti-matter. (This isn’t an annoyance, but instead, is something that should not exist.)
41. Product placement visible in most TV shows and movies.
42. Elderly relatives on social networking sites.
43. Bathroom stalls that don’t have doors.
44. Any arcade game or toy vending machine that costs more than 50 cents.
45. Prickly bushes that are in close proximity to the basketball court or the bottom of sledding hills.
46. Waiting rooms with a TV smaller than 13 inches.
47. The fact that Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan for the Academy Award for Best Picture.
48. Traffic. (Especially if the cause of the traffic is a mystery even after the traffic jam eases up.)
49. People who tell you about the concert that you didn’t go to.
50. The last 20 minutes of Peter Jackson’s The Return of the King (other than the last part, it’s a pretty cool movie).

Did we miss anything?