10 Urban Legends I Hope Are True
Getting Pretty For The Doctor
This story has been passed around in many forms over the years, mainly because it’s too cute not to retell.
A woman had an appointment with her gynecologist and wanted to be extra fresh for her exam. After showering she grabbed her daughter’s can of feminine deodorant and gave her crotch a good spray. All set.
When she gets to the doctor’s office and has her feet up in the stirrups, the doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet for the exam and says “Hmmm.. Fancy” and proceeds with her exam.
Later, the woman tells her daughter that she borrowed a squirt of her feminine deodorant. The daughter informs her that she does not own a can of feminine deodorant. So what did mom use? It was a can of spray glitter.
While shopping at a discount retailer, a woman found a great deal on a box of tampons. However, when she got to the cash register, the cashier couldn’t find a price sticker on the box and used the PA system to call for a price check.
Another employee at the store heard price check request, but instead of “Tampax” he thought he heard “thumbtacks”. To clarify what the cashier needed a price check on, he used the PA system to ask “The kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”.
Progesterex: Rapists’ Miracle Drug
Progesterex is a fictional drug said to be used to sterilize horses. An email hoax with a warning to college girls circulates from time to time. According to this tall tale, a single dose of progesterex will sterilize a woman for life and the drug is being used in conjunction with date rape drugs, just to make sure the rape victim doesn’t become pregnant.
Reverend Newton Day, self-ordained minister of the Blessed Children Church in Australia, was positive that his cute kids could convert satanic cannibals. He packed up his wife and three daughters and set off to meet their new friends in New Guinea.
Day and his family were promptly killed, cooked and eaten by the tribe.
There are people in the world who enjoy an activity called “pumping,” which typically involves using a standard bicycle pump to deliver a blast of air into the rectum. Apparently this creates a temporary euphoria.
A 13-year-old boy in Thailand had the bright idea to use a stronger air pump to do his pumping. He told his friends he was going to try the compressed air hose at the gas station. They dared him to do it, and as the story goes, he did.
He inserted the hose into his ass, then dropped his coin into the slot on the machine. The effects were instant. He exploded.
Two college students were in love and planned to get married, but their parents wouldn’t have it. They decided to commit suicide together so they could be together forever anyway. Screw you, parents.
The girl asked her friend, who was a pharmacist, to give her some strong sleeping pills. After getting the bottle of pills, the pair locked themselves in a friend’s dorm room, drank a bottle of wine, had sex and then took the sleeping pills. They threw the keys to the room out the window.
As it turns out, the pharmacist had been in touch with the girl’s parents and decided to give her laxatives instead of sleeping pills. A stench quickly filled the building and someone called the police. The pair had to be rescued by the SWAT team with gas masks and were taken to the hospital for severe dehydration.
A drunk Russian man found an unfortunate raccoon and decided it might make a good sex partner. As he tried to rape it, the raccoon freaked out and bit off his penis. Multiple news outlets reported this story in 2009, but all got the story from The Sun and it has never been verified as true.
Hippo Swallows Dwarf
This story has been reported by several news sources, but originated from The National Enquirer in 1982 and has never been verified as true. Since then, the dates and details have changed as the legend has circulated.
A dwarf performing in a circus in Bangkok dismounted the trapeze and hit the trampoline at a bad angle. He was launched into the mouth of a yawning hippo and swallowed. Other performers rushed to try to save him, but it was too late.
Boobs Cause Serious Injury
A woman flashed her breasts at her husband as she dropped him off for his first day of work and set off a string of events that seriously injured four people. Their cab driver saw her and was so mesmerized by her bare chest, he lost control of the vehicle. The cab slammed into the side of a building where a dental hygienist was cleaning a man’s teeth. When the cab came crashing through, the patient bit down, severing two of the hygienist’s fingers. He suffered torn gum tissue in the accident. The cab driver suffered whiplash and chest contusions and the flasher was injured by falling debris after the cab smashed into the building.
In 1994, Ronald Opus died from a shotgun blast to the head. The death was ruled a suicide, although Ronald didn’t pull the trigger. He was attempting to kill himself by jumping off the top of a building, but as he passed by the 9th floor he was shot in the head.
The story goes, as Ronald was preparing for his jump an older married couple were arguing downstairs. The husband grabbed his shotgun and threatened his wife with it. As Ronald made his swan dive, the gun fired, the bullets went through the window and killed him.
Ronald didn’t die from his jump. So what makes this a suicide? Here’s the twist on this urban legend:
The older couple downstairs were Ronald’s parents. Ronald’s mother had pissed him off and he wanted her dead. He knew his father often threatened his mom with an unloaded shotgun when they argued, so he loaded it in the hopes that his dad would take care of the messy details of offing his mother. When that didn’t happen right away, he decided to kill himself instead.
Since Ronald was the one who loaded the shotgun that killed him, his death was ruled a suicide, even though he attempted to kill himself by jumping.